understanding

i never really understood helplessness or hopelessness, even though i tried (and perhaps successfully, for a time) to actualize both, it was mostly just to fit in, to try to be loved and belong in the family of humans... as if infantile helplessness is somehow the way to get people to trust and love and take care of me... as if that is not simply abandoning awareness and responsibility, but then, what does responsibility bring, anyway?... so maybe i understand more than i think i do... so why have i never given up and checked myself into a nice little hospital where i could take legal drugs and get high and get food and do nothing but write in a journal and smile and nod and follow directions...

maybe i am just too stubborn to follow directions...