passing through

and for no apparent reason i discovered myself here remembering what it was like to be free of the foibles and follies (what's the difference after all) of the responsibilities of daily life and random acts of kindness were easy without the stress of worry of rejection or homelessness because i was not dependant on anyone or anything outside of myself for my joyful laughter and secure self-esteem which was an excellent time in this life that should be on everyone's bucket list at least once if not always and even though i wandered astray from that idyllic paradise in my mind it still exists for my rapture and casual comfort whenever i dare to stop running the maze long enough to bring awareness of life and my existence to upper consciousness and once again everything is wonderful in it's own way...

even bullsugar! :)

day after day

alone on a hill, even... with a slight craving for chocolate i consider going out even as 11pm approaches and probably will distract myself with the mentalist instead because the news sucks (humans are just a sad species, pathetically violent and stupid, but perhaps i am even stupider as i hold on to hope for humanity, aye?.. day after day, even)...

save the humans!

will i explode tonight

lol, i wonder if that is a question... ordereding italian food to take home is a dangerous activity for me because i love variety in my foods and will often end up with enough food for a dozen people (or at least nine) and how do you eat just a little?...

she knew

so I get home, alone again naturally, and as if it is news, realize how different I am from people… maybe from everybody… it’s the diversity, plain and simple, the diversity going on in my brain that sets me apart (and leaves me alone again, naturally)… so I wake and head in for a long day of work as a director in a hospital, deciding whether I feel like working or whether I just want to wander around observing others, maybe helping, maybe just observing… some days I crunch numbers, some days I build spreadsheets or databases, some days I investigate incidents, some days I train staff, some days I talk to the kids, some days I participate in meetings and some days I run them, some days I entertain government regulators, investigators, surveyors, auditors, police, and all sorts of inspectors… some days I do other things, always important, vital functions that keep the hospital running… and then, I head out of work, changing into softball gear before leaving, and join kids who’ve spent half the time alive in their bodies as I’ve spent in mine (ok, not all, but I am the oldest on every team I am on, usually by a decade or more) playing softball as their pitcher (and the two teams I pitch full time for won championships this year)… and then, I hang out in a wing house with the jock kids from softball and the scantily clad waitresses who wave and come over to talk a few minutes cuz I’m just that sort of irresistible sort… and then, I head to a midnight first showing of avatar at the universal studios i-max cuz the sci-fi geeks I know got free passes and one came my way cuz I enjoy sci-fi as much as softball as much as scantily clad girls as much as jocks (well, some jocks) as well as the corporate games that run the world (sometimes I just tolerate them knowing somebody’s got to do it) as much as coming home alone to turn on the twilight zone on tv while a home-made pizza cooks in the oven and wait, did I wake up 21 hours ago?... surely goodness and madness will follow me wherever I hang out, cuz I love so many things, diversity, that’s it, diversity in my brain, interests, and all, it’s diversity, or simply, there are billions of brain cells, you see, and I intend to use every single one…

anybody wanna try it with me?...

this promise was not

bullsugar

though all else might be, or perhaps you've been lucky to find some connections that are not... this is my hope, for your happiness, for your peace, for your joy... for my heart is true, especially to you...

happy birthday amy

the flow continues

at this rate no one will ever have the time to actually catch up with me, literally, no less physically, cuz there are just too many words and that's the way i had it planned all along i guess... either the one who would dedicate her life to me would find me and do it, or i'd live and die alone in a crowd, surrounded by friends who genuinely care and share much, but alone inside and at the depths of intimacy only the one so dedicated could share... for it takes time and energy that allows for little else and such committment is rare, if it exists in this modern world... still, i hope it does, if not for me, then for her, for someone, and for you...

sigh :}

glee

yes, who could share such a simple dream, from blissfully feeling the wonderful colors and radiance of the sun rise and sun set to the sensual pleasure of finding a favorite snack in the house and munching away at four o'clock in the morning... who still experiences the instant excitement that comes when a bit of sweet attention sparks the same powerful emotion as the feeling that children get once a year opening presents under the tree... can anyone, grown past the simple innocent years of youth, grown through the challenging years of establishing independence, through the monotonous years of working the daily grind to survive, to earn wealth and material things, can anyone, then, still embrace the full physical euphoria of glee?... to share a dream, to actualize the dream, to make the dream real... a simple dream, to share the glee...

remember the alamo

excuse me texans and anyone else who arrived by searching for the words in the title, this entry only resembles or relates to the title if you spend a lifetime building trust as only pre-school friends can (and the alamo might have been renamed the library if you know what i mean (no time to explain, you'll just have to come a little but closer to find out...

when i lived in san antonio for a few months there was this place called the warehouse we used to frequent that pressed the pregnant pause button every time we walked in... whether it was reverence, repulsion, or some other rapport, we were noticed and that was fun...

still. remember what you will...

omg

nevermore

ah, strum your guitar, sing it kid...

just write about your feelings, not the things you never did... and yet, all he did was write about things he never did, a lot, and he felt them as if he did them, which was his secret, i guess, and if you really listened, you heard and if you really heard, you felt and if you really felt, you cried and if you really cried, you healed...

harry chapin takes me home to my roots better than anyone and tonight, i remember first loves, first passion, first feelings... bittersweet memories, because they are so sweet but no longer shared...

still, i want to say... happy birthday :)

the thing is

whatever i was going to say

in spite of the busy-ness

i find a moment to stop by because i want to keep in touch with you and that is the most serious the words can ever be about this blogging experience these days, or maybe ever...

i am here, hope you are there and we talk, smile, touch, and share soon :)

because ever day matters

i come here to share every day (at least i want to) because every day matters and i hope to share every day because sharing makes everything more fun and matter even more cuz two minds exponentially increase everything (especially the experience awareness conciousness perception reality physicality and feeling, if you want it, of sharing) to make each moment the most it can be...

and cuz it's fun :)

it is time for a change

i don't wish i was richard corey
i don't wish i was john lennon
i don't wish i was tim leary
i don't wish i was jesus christ
i don't wish i was god in heaven
i don't wish for power beyond life
i don't wish i was lucky seven
i don't wish i was anyone else
just me

i just wish i was with you
love is true
i just wish i was with you

this is not bullsugar, just a momentary wave of loneliness... but even a tsunami is not enough to strip everything again... some roots are just too deep to ever die... and it's the same for dreams... even if no one ever understands, including me, the instinct moves on like the tide...

because i want to be known

by someone, someday, somehow, completely...

i continue...

if we want to

you could follow me there or join me here anywhere in the world through the written word or if you are within reach we can share some space and time as observers or creators of our own lives - lives we can make sublime and if we see eye to eye we might even come together like two wings lifting an eagle or simply two words that rhyme...

will you join me in this quest for communication and coexistence?...

we could be friends, if we want to...

yeah, so

the world might be your oyster and you may be a clam but you would never know if you just acted like a ham so relax, you can enjoy it without fear of how you look and you can overcome every like you read in every book for your rights and wrongs are not found in a message in the skies but rather in your heart and mind and the look in your own eyes...

have you ever really looked into your own eyes?

was it real for you?

was i here every day or was i just trying to keep up with time as it rushed passed my blinking eyes.... was it as real for you as i imagined it might be or were we just connected by our lonely eyes... how many times did you wish for something more than this with me or with someone else you were reading alone late at night... answers are not always the best friends to get to close to if you know what i mean you'll be alright... real or not we shared a little time between the dark and light and yes we'll be alright if we just go on believing it's alright... just go on believing it's alright...

bullsugar

i don't have a particular flavor in mind as this writing space evolves from whence it came... i don't know if you'll ever understand my life in rhyme or if there will be too much sense made of the name... my thoughts escaping wildly now into the ethernet or maybe my imagination's on a leave (on allieve? sp) but time is on my side as long as i can take a breath and whether you are here or not i'll still believe that we are here to share and care and maybe be aware somewhere in between the moments we rejoice and grieve...

where have you been? (narf)

hiding or oblivious

you once knew the way

but years have lead you somewhere

have you been astray?

why would you want to be an ass tray?... toilet seat?... smoker?... ah, ash, as if...

play with the letters and you might see

you are as oblivious as me

but somewhere deeper you understand

you had the power in your own hand

all along

as simple as writing your song

but beware when listening to it on the radio cuz The mammalian brain is protected by the blood-brain barrier, which prevents harmful substances from reaching the brain tissue [and] there is evidence that exposure to electromagnetic fields at non thermal levels disrupts this barrier. dontchaknow... narf.