Happy Birthday

Happy what? It must be a New Year somewhere, as time is as relative as the comments left on old blogs when delayed by moderation. So I come here from the past to ask the same old story here, in case it matters, in this void so any call home on some level or other. Strange world, out there, yet I continue to return in spite of no sign of life for reasons beyond words. While other dream of games of thrones or handmaids tails, I seek a life where such power trips and egomania is far behind. Where honesty is the primary law and love the only religion. Where harm is the last thing anyone wants to do and because everyone has been enlightened to the peace and joy of kindness. I remain true to this seemingly impossible dream in these times of fear-justified selfishness, no matter the cost, and continue to give all I have away. Even those closest to me allow it, even as it is a road to destitution, discomfort, and self-induced dementia. Hope remains my closest companion, really. Some get the bull, some get the sugar. I remain right here waiting.

In the middle of the night when I feel most alone I have no one to call so I talk to my phone voice to text is my friend maybe you understand I turn in to my words for a helping hand in the middle of a crowd when I feel most alone no connection is found just a sad monotone so I talk to myself and ignore silent stares behind whispers and moans no one really cares in the middle of the day when I feel most alone I want someone to stay but there’s nobody home I’ll look into their eyes isn’t anyone there just a vacancy sign and no one aware in the middle of a song when I feel most alone I listen for a tune but just hear monotone longing for harmony someone to sing with me so I dream by myself of something that could be so I sing by myself a love song fantasy. Don't forget

Bullsugar!

passing through

and for no apparent reason i discovered myself here remembering what it was like to be free of the foibles and follies (what's the difference after all) of the responsibilities of daily life and random acts of kindness were easy without the stress of worry of rejection or homelessness because i was not dependant on anyone or anything outside of myself for my joyful laughter and secure self-esteem which was an excellent time in this life that should be on everyone's bucket list at least once if not always and even though i wandered astray from that idyllic paradise in my mind it still exists for my rapture and casual comfort whenever i dare to stop running the maze long enough to bring awareness of life and my existence to upper consciousness and once again everything is wonderful in it's own way...

even bullsugar! :)

younger every day

yes, sometimes i feel like i am getting younger every day and it's not just the chocolate talking either cuz the power feels so real and that could be a perception manifestation of becoming more aware every day and the awareness presents the perception of being younger when in fact the time passing is physically adding a day of life to this life every day which would be something quite the opposite of getting younger and yet it still feels like i am getting younger every day so illusion or not, it's a good feeling...

even if it's mostly bullsugar :)

thinking choices

so many humans are addicted to the rush of fear, anger, paranoia, depression, or some other thinking error that leads to hormonal surges, internal drugs, chemical addictions without even consuming a drug... some thinking errors become "illnesses" and others become accepted delusions (cuz if enough people believe a delusion, it become common-knowledge and truth for the moment {like the flat earth once was} and oh god, yeah, so many, though fewer, are addicted to external drugs, the legal ones and the illegal ones... sadly, the majority addicted to the thinking error emo-drugs and delusions do so much more damage to life than anyone else, not to mention condemning the minority who doesn't buy into the thinking errors...

and i sometimes wonder if i do any good with sarcastic mocking, laughing, and words like those above?... whatever the answer, it is better than sighing or the thinking errors... i choose the drug laughter brings... and occasionally, chocolate :)

relativeness

as opposed to relativity, i suppose, though that may be moot (or relative to perspective) as the pondering producing this postulation forms the words in the form of a question (thank you alex) of profoundity (or profundity or profoundness, for that matter) as if to query if everything was profound, would anything be profound and if everything was creative brilliance, would anything be creative brilliance and so ultimately in considering the relative meaningfulness of the individual blog entries right here and now i come to the question, if everything was equally meaningful, would anything have meaning?...

bullsugar? :)

the writer says: be

perhaps... all this (or is it that, and then some) is writing the record of the life i kinda sorta seem to think of or at least consider mine from time to time... sometimes appearing (or is that feeling) broken (or is that disconnected... lost... forgotten... abandoned... ignored... unwanted... unknown... whatever?) and sometimes recording remembering (it is a long long way from may to december, or something like that) and that is what i got back to doing, the writing the record, a bit tonight (even if the smile seems to be missing a few teeth at the moment)... the water flows, the wind blows, the fire burns, the earth turns, and love is the fifth essential element to life (to life, l'chiam, aye?)...

bless yourself today, even if you didn't sneeze :)

breadcrumbs

all the little breadcrumbs that mark the long and winding road that can lead to your door, my door, any door (that's what breadcrumbs are for) after all, from the love we saved to the love we gave to the miracles on 34th street or promises in the dark, the musical lyrical references are but the sparkly shiny breadcrumbs, the colorful m&ms, even left along the path among so many other less obvious and more obscure pieces of fractal personality identity secrets nobody knows except the one who follows them all to wherever they may lead (and only there and then might we truly touch the magic moment so oft dreamt of, dreamed too, if life did not get in the way)... the laughing cloud mocks the sun's tear knowing the shadow is not forever and the sun will see the earth again... and the child giggles at the potential of the words... dream on...

bullsugar! :)

was there ever a doubt?

silly child, of course not (what did you think the answer would be?... and why if you dare, huh huh huh? smiley face giggle) cuz the facts of life at least as they have been laid out for me in this particular life experience are beyond ironic (even when i am a moody emo child silly one) the joyous laughter tickles me inside (even when we are all wondering what what is what, or which, for that matter... what? what? what? what?) the game comes around sooner or later or so the philosophy goes (comes around, goes around, you know, that what) so tonight it did and there is no stopping the party for the bullsugar (or anything, cha cha cha (no really, seriously even, did you have any doubt?)... oh come on, over even, here's a hug)...

wish you were here :)

could you be any less cohesive?

what in the world (and happy birthday to an old friend i miss even as an ethereal bit of fluffy smoke in the older memory cells of the brain) could be going through the synapses with such a tittle we may never know, but certainly there is something profoundly curious in the way words flow through this place and if i didn't know better i would think they were painted by numbers laid out by some higher power as just to amuse those who are agnostically inclined and still, be that as it may or may not be, the folly meets the purpose somewhere between the lines for anyone with any real caring to be aware and ask, even, cuz in the end you are made if you gave all your love...

and bullsugar!

pasta for all

there is something about pasta in almost any form that is so very comforting (or is it genetic?), whether in soup or baked with cheese and sauce (which leads to the doughy goodness of pizza, but that's another delish-us-ness) or just about any way you cook it (raw, even) there is just something so good for the soul (or whatever is in there) in the stuff... maybe it's bullsugar!...

barley too, but maybe that's just me...

moods, dudes

slap the fool silly who whines about emotions (oh you are so emo) as if feelings are cause to put someone down when the true value of life is to experience the physical roller coaster within and all around so just relax (or don't relax) and enjoy it with those who can (or all by yourself) and let those afraid of it to move on after they try to put you down (and you are the fool if you let them) laugh inside and realize (even when they will not) that they are just moods, dudes, treasure them while you've got them, they are better than alsheimers or being dead, cha cha cha...

it might have been grand

or at least a fiesta (collective groan, naturally, from all who know about the great car search of 2011), but c'est la vie and a merry man's chest (or davey jone's locker, for that matter) cuz maybe, maybe i'm wrong is still one of my favorite songs off one of my favorite albums by one of my favorite bands and the point is not lost just cuz the sleepy apathy that many read as depression covers the many other moods like a wet blanket cuz we will not go quickly into the night not me not you not i so there cuz that would be giving up and giving up is accepting death and i still have another thing or two to ramble on about so hold your horses mr undertaker and bring on another round of roller coaster for those of us who love (salute's unnecessary)...

it's all about the flippancy

even deep within the feelings so many fear and others put down and still others attack with vigor and stupidity, the point of life is to find the smiles behind the frowns and see the rainbows through the tears and tickle your funny bone even when your arm is broken...

or something like that...

the werdness of the net

the internet, that is, cuz there is a difference here in the bullsugar backfround template and i don't like it and don't know who changed it cuz the extra space at the top has no purpose and drops the words lower than they were and takes they whole effect i chose this template for, the colors, away by putting them above the words so it is time to change templates and that sucks cuz i liked the one i chose and whomever changed it did a wrong and they take claim for it down below it seems...

bullshit!

the missing

yeah, even though i haven't been home until almost midnight or beyond most nights and life is so very busy with fun and friends and work i love and giving and food and toys and softball and basketball and games i love and diverse groups of people sharing most of my diverse interests and some oddities and even some tv now and then, i miss you and the song just keeps playing on another endless repeat... and me too, i miss me too...

bullsugar! :)

rolling

thinking about music thanks to a list-making moment or few and dancing in the dark all by myself, doesn't matter what i wanna be or not to be, the question has no answer (or 42), but there are many different ways to rolling and kinds of rolling and i'm just kind of rolling along right along alonger than there are whatever the song said, whichever song it was... there might have been a reason in the seasons of the heart but something change from the way it was at the start and i don't know what it means to you but it's the way it has to be there is still just one dream this true and it means everything to me...

all the rest is bullsugar!

perception

from time to time, when communication matters and curiosity about the world outside of my head has enough attention (not just pop news but a more personal view), i wonder how words in post like this one are received (perceived), remembering the oft quoted (by me, at least) We do not see things as they are. We see them as we are. (Talmud, Nin, others), i suppose those who feel lonely or self-pity will see much of both in my words and those who are more self-actualized and content will see the irreverence and humor i usually (almost always) feel as i write the words... feel free to tell me, even i am dead when you do :)

nuts

I have been wondering of late about mixed nuts, specifically about the ratio of one type of nut to the other in the mixture… for instance, is the ratio regionally dependant… do the nut mixes have more of one of the other type of nut if a certain kind of nut grows more prevalently in a given location?... if we looked at the contents of a box of nuts from france, for instance, would it be consitutionally different than a box of nuts from china?... would there be differences in the constituency of nuts from north korea, india, iraq, isreal, south africa, new zealand, canada, or chile?... I think someone should travel the world to explore the many different varieties of nuts and see how they mix…

someday, my sleep will come

yeah, i say someday because it definitely does not come at night without some conscious effort... too much to do, to many dreams to explore (awake), too much to write about, too much to share... there really is not enough awake time in this life...