seven billion

so this month the planet is supposed to be infested by, i mean inhabited by the seven billionth person and i know you are wondering if there will be more than one seven billionth person, i mean, when the seven billionth person is born, someone might die before the seven billionth and one person is born, making the seven billionth person the six billion nine hundred ninety nine million nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred ninety ninth person until the next person is born who will become the seven billionth person and that could happen more than once (yeah, this could expand a lot more too, but let's leave that for your imagination as we walk away casually glancing up and whistling nonchalantly as if we don't really think you are flat out ridiculously geeked out for thinking this)...

or maybe you're wondering if there will be balloons and confetti...

bullsugar! :)

was there ever a doubt?

silly child, of course not (what did you think the answer would be?... and why if you dare, huh huh huh? smiley face giggle) cuz the facts of life at least as they have been laid out for me in this particular life experience are beyond ironic (even when i am a moody emo child silly one) the joyous laughter tickles me inside (even when we are all wondering what what is what, or which, for that matter... what? what? what? what?) the game comes around sooner or later or so the philosophy goes (comes around, goes around, you know, that what) so tonight it did and there is no stopping the party for the bullsugar (or anything, cha cha cha (no really, seriously even, did you have any doubt?)... oh come on, over even, here's a hug)...

wish you were here :)

more to life

are you still dreaming or are you cheesecake dancing through your pickled life amidst fractal thinking bent mental contructs bleeding delusional logic feeding irrational beliefs and fruitcake holidays, but not to be denied there is a cure for that and they call it awakening to your own conscious awareness or death, depending on perspective and personally life is more appealing, so here is to hoping you get the point and more, you live it...

cuz there's more to life than bullsugar!

not that bad

really and if it is all just a test or a game or a chance encounter in time and space, it is what is is and what it is is right here waiting...

you?

it might have been grand

or at least a fiesta (collective groan, naturally, from all who know about the great car search of 2011), but c'est la vie and a merry man's chest (or davey jone's locker, for that matter) cuz maybe, maybe i'm wrong is still one of my favorite songs off one of my favorite albums by one of my favorite bands and the point is not lost just cuz the sleepy apathy that many read as depression covers the many other moods like a wet blanket cuz we will not go quickly into the night not me not you not i so there cuz that would be giving up and giving up is accepting death and i still have another thing or two to ramble on about so hold your horses mr undertaker and bring on another round of roller coaster for those of us who love (salute's unnecessary)...

being different

being different is not acceptible in our culture, which is the clearest hypocrisy of all as the collective egocentric insecurity of humanity is quick to slam the lid on the box of anyone who steps out of it a little too far for collective comfort (from socrates to charlie sheen, from jesus to john lennon, from galileo to timothy leary), challenge the status quo, religion, politics, drug laws, anything people are afraid of or afraid to change, really, and you are ostracized… let's not even get into race, religion, politics, language, or simple physical appearance... just look like the majority and act different, challenge too much, and you are jailed or killed… different ideas are the thing that scare people most and will get you hurt or killed fastest... or in our supposedly enlightened humane modern world, sent to counseling which is basically a demand for conformity or else you’ll be prescribed drugs you do not want to take or have your freedom taken away… you know what that is, right?...

bullsugar!

loneliness

feeling it more and more lately, especially after social experiences, which makes sense as the social experiences lack the depth and intimacy that satisfies the hunger that breeds loneliness while waking up that same hunger… i’ve always been lucky (or wise) enough to know how to party with myself, that is, to enjoy life alone… after all, the reality of the physical experience is that we exist in separate physical bodies, at least as far as our perception allows us to understand the experience at the moment, so the best we can do is accept the isolation of being in separate bodies and learn to enjoy the experience within, alone… that doesn’t mean that sharing isn’t wonderful fun and rewarding in many worthwhile ways, we just should not fool ourselves into believing we cannot live without someone else because we do, live in separate bodies… so the sharing we call love, or falling in love that creates a need for someone else, is an illusion… an illusion that feels magical as it inspires emotions that amaze and frighten and work on our emotions like a roller coaster works on our physical senses… and that emotion is the real, physical experience that sharing brings and the hunger for that real physical experience is loneliness… based on the illusion that we need someone else, it becomes such a real hunger that it can become a physical addiction… i’ve experienced that, but the loneliness i feel now is a deeper sighing wanting, more eternal and infinite than momentary imperative… the hunger is wanting more than the momentary compromise of superficial sharing… even more than what billy joel sings about in honesty, though there is an excellent expression of the first step, a prerequisite… get it?... anybody?... ah, but that’s the rub, or there’s the rub, to be more classically inclined… not just anybody can satisfy the hunger in me, in fact, no one has ever truly satisfied it and i am less willing to compromise with each passing year…

all that to say i am feeling lonely lately… and that’s no bullsugar, aye?... or is it?... sigh…

bullsugar! :)

perception

from time to time, when communication matters and curiosity about the world outside of my head has enough attention (not just pop news but a more personal view), i wonder how words in post like this one are received (perceived), remembering the oft quoted (by me, at least) We do not see things as they are. We see them as we are. (Talmud, Nin, others), i suppose those who feel lonely or self-pity will see much of both in my words and those who are more self-actualized and content will see the irreverence and humor i usually (almost always) feel as i write the words... feel free to tell me, even i am dead when you do :)

dreams

slept for at least five hours and woke with thoughts of $ on my head, rare as anything, but distinct thoughts of retirement funds and inheritence and death and taxes and people that i have let drift out of touch and ambivalence about reconnecting with the whole thing and before that i was reunioning with professional atheletes at some international festival and feeling a comradering while hugging two for an extended arm and arm affection while watching some celebration on tv and out the window off a balcony and feeling more connection than i ever feel in everyday life and i almost never remember dreams, aye? :}

cha cha cha ha ha ha ha

don't you ever get tired of the emo whining over at the daily life blog (aka e-the-real)?... i mean, come on, the pathos is pathetic and all but swallows all hope for rational thought (loneliness swallows positivity letting fear consume hope, such a human way, nyuk, nyuk, narf lol lam laa)...

there may never be enough time for anyone to really travel back to understand it all, after all, many of the online babblings and rhymes are no longer there and the online writings make up but a fraction of the lifetime written gardens and this is just one life, cha know? :)

and what good is any of it without love? :)

oh yeah

so many ways to say the words, oh yeah... ohhh yyeeahhh... deep voice, high voice, sexy voice, laughing boive, sly clever almost evil voice... and the home made frappacino i made last night and tonight have taken me to all of them... OHHH YEA-AH!...

and the youtubes deep thoughts, laughter, toons, and music have definitely helped... it has been so long since i gave myself the nights, the time to explore and set my mind free... and thought this six day trek was just scratching the surface, at least it got scratched...

oh yeah :)

fog the horn, i say, leg, that is

i don't recall, that is, is say i don't remember, quite, i say boy (boy's about as sharp as a bowling ball), see i moved a while back and forget whether i started over in a new space as i am apt to almost always do, i think, every time, at least in some way... and then, a little while later, another major change in living space, two roommates moved in (one's a dog, i say, the four legged kind) and the revelational refreshing of the flow may not have happened...

strange, the flow appearing so unaffected... must've died and nobody told me... but the toon (boy's gotta mind like a steel trap... full of mice), i say the toon lives, aye? :)

flying time

before i can catch my breath there's another day and another night and another week and another month and blink, life passed and not even right before my eyes cuz my eyes were blurry with fatigue and distracted by so many other bullsugar and whatevers...

wish you were here :}

may i?

more rested than in many many months and yet, still quite groggy, only demonstrating the need for an extended sleep (vacation) type event and since that has not occurred with any comfort since the mid-nineties, it would seem to be about time (it's always about time)... so commit?... this year, for sure... this season, most likely... this month, perhaps, but may may make matters more manageable for manipulating time, maybe... merry merry, no doubt :)

exhausterated

headache in right eye most of the day, ear screaming at feverish pitch, hit like crap tonight, but pitched great, still lost 8-7 cuz of errors and crappy hitting by the rest of the team... headache in right eye and ear screaming did not help... at all... keeping me awake?... life... liberty... and the pursuit... and...

bullsugar! :)

holy blogoly

ten new blogs created tonight for several different reasons, most to make sure some blog names are not used before i can get to them (as so many have been wasted before by people who created a blog only to abandon it after as few as one entry or never use it at all... words deserve better than that, even without the over-dramatic mockery)...

and there's a dent in the piles of stuff in the space, even more surprising... and what's all this about bullsugar?... seems i forget every few entries and this sort of random report pops up... but then, what is a blog if not a random report of this or that or whatever... if only there was time, there would be so much more, if only there was time...

and you, how are you?

just keep swimming?

yes, that's the ticket, the key, the answer, the information we all need to be successful in this life... just keep swimming, or moving, in the human case... keep moving through the day and the activities and the stuff of life...

or perhaps that's just what to do when fatigue is high and there's just no more left in the tank and yet there's still more work to be done... so maybe the phrase should be just keep working... oh, but that's a sad reflection of real life and what is ever so wrong with our culture, the workers oppressed and kept ignorant and struglling and therein, easily controlled and manipulated by the few in government and industry who reap the bulk of the benefits from human culture, just keep working, yes, a sad reflection of normal life for the vast majority... silent majority, sure, for who has time or energy left to speak out or even learn what to speak out about after work work working day after day after day...

while the few at the tip of the food chain just keep living, enjoying, benefiting, and yes, living... the rest just keep dying, and that's life...

the flow continues

at this rate no one will ever have the time to actually catch up with me, literally, no less physically, cuz there are just too many words and that's the way i had it planned all along i guess... either the one who would dedicate her life to me would find me and do it, or i'd live and die alone in a crowd, surrounded by friends who genuinely care and share much, but alone inside and at the depths of intimacy only the one so dedicated could share... for it takes time and energy that allows for little else and such committment is rare, if it exists in this modern world... still, i hope it does, if not for me, then for her, for someone, and for you...

sigh :}

shoulda, coulda, woulda

but didn't...

yeah, right

the music flows more and more again, though not nearly where or how it once was and did, but more and the ache to share it, to feel it with and within someone, that is returning to the surface which means the depths of desire are stirring once again and if there was only time, the explosion would be seen across the blogosphere and perhaps, the changes would happen once again in the actual physical life...

still, all meaningless unless it is shared...