hope i am

not just bullsugar and more importantly (if anything is), hope i am listening... the first thought as i pop back in here tonight is anybody listening and then before the ink dries on the question mark that isnt there, the more important thought is the title of this blog as i hope am, as i am respectfully, as honest as possible in my writings and sharing without giving out too much of other people's privacy (i hope and if you know me offline and i give out too much of your privacy or if anyone reading feels like i share too much personal stuff, please tell me cuz it is my intention to share me and the life i live and offend or intrude on no one more than they allow but on the other hand i don't want to encourage the foolish paranoia that most people carry around like a shroud nor do i want to feed the monster and wall that over-worrying about what other people think becomes and then hope i do listen and take it seriously when it is serious cuz that's important too and i wish i could read minds sometimes, especially on this subject or the other subject in this rambling if you follow along or any of it for that matter and there is a deep part of me that wishes somebody does and cuz the bottom line is i sometimes tell myself important stuff in my babblings and i hope i am listening cuz if i don't listen to the important stuff i could crash and burn and i have had enough crashing and burning in this life and it sure would be sweet to have someone looking out for me (hint hint :)

what?... another paragraph here?... with ellipsis pauses no less?... and question marks?... why this is possibly quite odd for this place and so i wonder if this belongs here but then, it must cuz it is here after all and what i mean (or was getting around to) is (or was, daring redundancy for emphasis) that i know i give too much for my own good, but somebody else must love the giving as much as i do and together we could help each other give just enough to feel the bliss and not give too much cuz giving is kinda like flying close to the sun with flammable wings, or something like that cuz somebody must understand what i mean from personal experience, and i just wish you would find this writing already and speak up and until you do, i am out on the edge on my own loving almost every precarious moment of...

bullsugar! :)

breadcrumbs

all the little breadcrumbs that mark the long and winding road that can lead to your door, my door, any door (that's what breadcrumbs are for) after all, from the love we saved to the love we gave to the miracles on 34th street or promises in the dark, the musical lyrical references are but the sparkly shiny breadcrumbs, the colorful m&ms, even left along the path among so many other less obvious and more obscure pieces of fractal personality identity secrets nobody knows except the one who follows them all to wherever they may lead (and only there and then might we truly touch the magic moment so oft dreamt of, dreamed too, if life did not get in the way)... the laughing cloud mocks the sun's tear knowing the shadow is not forever and the sun will see the earth again... and the child giggles at the potential of the words... dream on...

bullsugar! :)

glory box

there was a time i masturbated daily, often more than once a day, cuz that was the comfortable place my sexuality lived... and today i realized after a wonderful bit of self-loving that days go by lately and even more surprising is how long it's been since i shared the experience with someone else... portishead singing glory box as i woke from a quick deep nap probably flashed some memory cells... i wonder if libido is dying...

bullsugar! :}

glee

yes, who could share such a simple dream, from blissfully feeling the wonderful colors and radiance of the sun rise and sun set to the sensual pleasure of finding a favorite snack in the house and munching away at four o'clock in the morning... who still experiences the instant excitement that comes when a bit of sweet attention sparks the same powerful emotion as the feeling that children get once a year opening presents under the tree... can anyone, grown past the simple innocent years of youth, grown through the challenging years of establishing independence, through the monotonous years of working the daily grind to survive, to earn wealth and material things, can anyone, then, still embrace the full physical euphoria of glee?... to share a dream, to actualize the dream, to make the dream real... a simple dream, to share the glee...

the best laid prams

or were they plans, we coyly inquire... it's an art, you know, the art of the coy inquiry (now there's a blog title waiting to happen... yes, so anyway, the week will be wonderful what with a wednesday to wednesday vacation from the work desk (and i shall endeavor not to turn on the laptop at home or away) and the softball tournament down south (it'll be good to get away from home, however briefly and rushed) and the holiday (but will i delve into the depths this year?... only time will tell, aye?) and such and such (heavy on the such)...

if you only knew, you might understand :}

do you love me yet?

that is what i am here for, after all, to fall in love with the one who falls in love with me in the exact same way (and it's not fantasy if it actually happens, ya know)...

all i ever needed was the one...

peace chance a give

cuz giving is the chance you take (kind of like the love you make) if peace is ever to be real you must share truth and how you feel...

sometimes there's no bullsugar about it...

make a plan to love me

some time soon...

sometimes, to catch up

yes, no kidding, cuz sometimes the words flow but i either am away from the internet (shocking, i know) or i fall asleep before i get to upload the words, so there's the catch-up time when entries flood the web in what may seem like random places, but is quite possibly a carefully strategically meticulously crafted creative creation of sorts...

or something like that...

secrets be told, the seriousness within the silliness is almost always in charge, even as the irreverence playfully presents it most of the time... if you understand that, then you just might have some chance of understanding at least a small part of me...

or all, your choice :)

the web woven

the web was woven (weaved?) wide tonight as i make time to release some of the words backed up between the synapses and you'll just have to find my ninety-nine gazillion other blogs, diaries, journals, and web pages on your own for now cuz this is bullsugar, whatever that means...

besides, you have to let me know you exist before i give you the keys to the kingdom, after all, or something like that...

narf.

writing magic

the magic comes and goes so fast, we mustn't always trust memory or fate, which may be why we write, among other reasons...

in spite of the busy-ness

i find a moment to stop by because i want to keep in touch with you and that is the most serious the words can ever be about this blogging experience these days, or maybe ever...

i am here, hope you are there and we talk, smile, touch, and share soon :)

because i want to be known

by someone, someday, somehow, completely...

i continue...

if i came here every day

would you?

was it real for you?

was i here every day or was i just trying to keep up with time as it rushed passed my blinking eyes.... was it as real for you as i imagined it might be or were we just connected by our lonely eyes... how many times did you wish for something more than this with me or with someone else you were reading alone late at night... answers are not always the best friends to get to close to if you know what i mean you'll be alright... real or not we shared a little time between the dark and light and yes we'll be alright if we just go on believing it's alright... just go on believing it's alright...

bullsugar

i don't have a particular flavor in mind as this writing space evolves from whence it came... i don't know if you'll ever understand my life in rhyme or if there will be too much sense made of the name... my thoughts escaping wildly now into the ethernet or maybe my imagination's on a leave (on allieve? sp) but time is on my side as long as i can take a breath and whether you are here or not i'll still believe that we are here to share and care and maybe be aware somewhere in between the moments we rejoice and grieve...

bullsugar

i don't have a particular flavor in mind as this writing space evolves from whence it came... i don't know if you'll ever understand my life in rhyme or if there will be too much sense made of the name... my thoughts escaping wildly now into the ethernet or maybe my imagination's on a leave (on allieve? sp) but time is on my side as long as i can take a breath and whether you are here or not i'll still believe that we are here to share and care and maybe be aware somewhere in between the moments we rejoice and grieve...