what happened to this one?

it appears there was an entry here and all that is left is a link to this entry in another blog which is oddly interesting in a kind of what the hell is that? i mean what is that thing? kind of steve martin saturday night kind of mocking way if you know what i mean because it could be some deep dark secret was revealed and nobody noticed so it disappeared or it might even be some magical formula that could save humanity from it's obvious self-destruction (spells apply here) but we may never know now because whatever it was, it is gone as if it never was and all that is left is this summary of the reflection on the disappearance and that link mentioned earlier...

sugar?...

The Afterblog: the party of living: so much more

The Afterblog: the party of living: so much more is a dichotomy of connective blog tissue that accidentally happened, like a kind of blog mutation, as is this entry, for at this moment of writing i have no idea where it is going... the bottom line we can draw from this is that life is unpredictable and whether random or destiny, whether carefully planned or chaos, whether creative magic or an empty page, whether profound essence or meaningless drivel, whether sunshine and lollipops or stormy weather, whether a concise expression with tangible value or a seemingly endless series of comparative metaphors, similes, and what not that leads down a long and winding road to nowhere, man, whether a wonder beyond any imagination or a slippery slope of infinite distraction that appears to be spinning out of control, whether something or nothing, whether art or bullsugar, it is a party with you or without you, and as long as i remember that and remember that i enjoy every moment alone or with others, i can and do and i suggest you should do the same... that is all (for now :)

narcissism

first, you may notice the warning that random links may appear randomly slipped into this entry in random moments with or without logical reason or rhyme cuz that is the way it hangs around here tonight as i ponder the plethora of posts poured into the (e)thereal in minutes that appear to be hours or days, even, or longer, even more, and the rampant self-indulgence is not as mindless as it may appear to the mindless who do not understand the conceptualizations and rationalizations i present in me pontifications presented presently and for posterity in posts now and then and whenever they appear which only goes to show that it is, as rosanne said, it's always something, even three somethings sometimes (somewhere) and little do you know that i secretly long to share everything with someone who can and will share everything with me (cuz it takes two and it is not all about me, really it's not, no matter how much i joke or tease or appear to be totally self-absorbed, i am seriously not that great a sponge cuz the truth is i doubt anyone could ever absorb all of me, not even half, though i continue wishin and hopin in more than just song cuz there's always hope, so give it to me one more time and just watch me share :)

what?... whatever

i mean, like, whatever (seriously, this is serious, dichotomously bipolar, even)... right, so i finally sort of updated the primary entry page to my web world (the only one left since att deleted the main gate, burned down the front door, and smashed all the windows {sorry joey} and so many other pages, sigh, yes, the house crumbles, but the heart remains... and att sucks... what was i saying?), ah yes, the back door now (suddenly) has a brand semi-new coat of semi-gloss paint (semi cuz the code is not perfect and width and height of the new vitally important text will change and overlay the rest of the page with every screen size smaller than a 15 inch monitor, but it's still brand semi-new and hopefully improved and potently (or potentially, even) fortified with ironic (isn't it?) explanations of what the world wide web was and sort of still is all about for me, personally, i mean, as a writing addict... yeah, whatever, and i know, you may not have noticed, but i am rather addicted to writing, for whatever it means like so maybe now someone will find my still beating heart within the crumbled wreckage of deleted pages that was once my home on the web and we'll fall in love and live happily ever after... wouldn't it be nice? :)

or bullsugar! :)

perception

from time to time, when communication matters and curiosity about the world outside of my head has enough attention (not just pop news but a more personal view), i wonder how words in post like this one are received (perceived), remembering the oft quoted (by me, at least) We do not see things as they are. We see them as we are. (Talmud, Nin, others), i suppose those who feel lonely or self-pity will see much of both in my words and those who are more self-actualized and content will see the irreverence and humor i usually (almost always) feel as i write the words... feel free to tell me, even i am dead when you do :)

glory box

there was a time i masturbated daily, often more than once a day, cuz that was the comfortable place my sexuality lived... and today i realized after a wonderful bit of self-loving that days go by lately and even more surprising is how long it's been since i shared the experience with someone else... portishead singing glory box as i woke from a quick deep nap probably flashed some memory cells... i wonder if libido is dying...

bullsugar! :}

memorial day

remembers long before the web when i was but a wee lad serving in uncle sam's marching machine in the war torn town of monterey california (just north of carmel by the sea, forty miles north of big sur), i ment one of my many mentors, a man from a hundred ten miles north in san francisco where i spent many a wonder-filled weekend in those wild and crazy days of youth, and as if for the first time all over again he inspired my wide eyed laughter with another post card meant to be sent through smail mail and this one lept from the mailbag to remind me with love and laughter of those times i gave to this country so truly and simply...

"Please don’t ask me to keep in step – It’s hard enough just to stay in line." ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

one more night

again, just another day, again, take it to the limit (almost) one more time, again, sorta, kinda, well, not really... it's all a touch of drama just to keep the boredom at bay, or so the slight of hand, fingering, and characters might lead you to believe... but really, it's all the maze that moves the mountains and makes the mayrtyrdom seem authentic and bearable, the maze that produces palpable pondering between the lines and around the edges so that most of all, the loneliness does not swallow the abyss that keeps hope alive, the same maze that maintains the loneliness...

or maybe it's just... bullsugar! :)

laughing memories

wisdom would suggest sleep at this moment, but craving calls for ny pushcart hot dogs cuz i saw them while walking downtown after the milessa ferrick concert and i did not buy any cuz jackson is a healthy influence, mostly, sorta, when i want her to be, and she bought the concert tickets (so i treated for sushi)... so i shopped on the way home as planned cuz i needed basic stuff and some ny pushcart hot dogs and onions in tomatoe sauce jumped into the cart and followed me home... i deny any knowledge of how it might have happened... they are cooking themselves as i type this and shortly, they will most likely stuff themselves in my mouth at which point i will be left with no choice but to chew and swallow or choke...

20 minutes later...

it might help if i actually put the hot dogs into the boiling water...

bullsugar! :)

can sleep come

perhaps this year i will remember how important sleep is enough to actually actualize sleeping enough to actually actualize whatever optimal health and prosperity is left in this physical body i inhabit...

cuz there may not be too many years left... ummm, ya know? :}

maybe i ought to get some sleep soon

ridiculous, no doubt, for i have the days off to do as i please and while i am relaxing the body by lazily doing none of the chores that rather depserately need doing around here, i am still giving into my nocturnal nature, which might not be so bad if the phone didn't ring regularly throughout the day cuz that's when the rest of the world is awake and expects me to be and i ought to turn the phone off for a day or two next time (cuz nobody else is gonna do it, aye?), snarf...

the day is simply too short for my natural circadian rhythm...

all through the night

and to think, i was nodding off way back when, eight or nine hours ago, long before i let the emo rise and flow over the flood gates (oh, if there was only someone around, we'd have fallen in love... emo pouring over flood gates can be quite dangerous, ya know)... someday maybe i'll figure out where to upload all the words (and you can wander around trying to find them, aye?)...

the magical mystery tour continues after all...

one hundredth entry

yes, the next entry was the one hundredth entry in this newish blog named for the season of the psyche unknown to stuffy folk who lose touch with their realness and treasured by the honest among us with the sense of humor that appreciates duality and realness, but then this entry slipped in here in this out-of-time way (not as in not enough time, but in the sci-fi out of the normal chronological concept of time way, to be more accurately clarified) and usurped the next entry, which probably should have been a cult classic, so this right here and now, or whenever, is the one hundrendth entry...

yeah, for whatever that's worth...

the flow continues

at this rate no one will ever have the time to actually catch up with me, literally, no less physically, cuz there are just too many words and that's the way i had it planned all along i guess... either the one who would dedicate her life to me would find me and do it, or i'd live and die alone in a crowd, surrounded by friends who genuinely care and share much, but alone inside and at the depths of intimacy only the one so dedicated could share... for it takes time and energy that allows for little else and such committment is rare, if it exists in this modern world... still, i hope it does, if not for me, then for her, for someone, and for you...

sigh :}

pop culture

yeah, there's a lot of pop culture permeating, saturating, even drowning us these days and far be it for me to sell my opinion short, though i am not trying to commericalize on your perverse confusions, insecurities, and fears like most pop culture maggots are doing these days... ummm, yeah, so anyway, there are those who say the twilight stories have replaced harry potter and there are those who say they have very different audiences (kind of like the buffy audience was not necessarily the same as the x-files or dr. who or smallville or audiences, but those are other debates for other times like comparing the star wars fans with the e.t. fans or even the douglas adams fans, but anyway), is it time for another story to move in on the audiences of both or all?... if only the human race would stop the hypocrisy and just admit that the pretense of innocence and the tittilation of teenage sex is what sells just about everything, we might evolve into a more enlightened (and peaceful) species that might have a chance at survival...

but anyway...

the seven rays already has a soundtrack (i am listening at the moment, it's pretty thin and poppy, so it'll need a good story with better acting to beef up the power of the songs, but then, it's not a musical, after all) and the film doesn't even have a cast yet... they will probably get a couple of innocently alluring sexy teens to play the leads and fuel fantasies and make millions...

but npot to be undone, or outdone (undone, maybe), i will plug (and highly recommend, based on musical talent potential), jenn em if she can get the right breaks and publicity... she could be the next big thing, at least until the next pop culture wave comes along...

shoulda, coulda, woulda

but didn't...

omg

nevermore