it seems important

so many things in life, but personally for this moment i am thinking of (and referring to) this blog, the bullsugar, and the writing i do without thinking or planning like tonight, for instance, i fell asleep early and intended to sleep the night through and the phone woke me and i found myself sitting here typing and six entries were suddenly presenting a profound sense of simultaneous gain and loss, the gain of memories of loss, if that makes any sense to you (and it matters more than it makes much sense to me for in this understanding the profound feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment grows, as if understanding gives life more meaning or something life that... or like that, for that matter) and in the end (not only the beatles song), we can only hope, depending on perspective, that it is, or is not...

bullsugar!

meaning in memories

once i found great meaning in memories, more than mere meaning, i found creativity and expression and understanding and emotion so profound that some of the most amazingly powerful near-as-can-be perfect bliss and euphoric moments in this life were experienced as i was writing and reading the creativity that my memories produced when i let go of all inhibitions and flowed into the timeless expanse of the written word, the written gardens as i called them once upon a time...

wishing you were somehow here again...

:)

quiet year

it was a quiet year, the year that just passed into the past, and i wonder if that has more meaning that i acknowledged or recorded as yet in the meanderings of this (or any) blog for there was a time, so we thought, that this blog was a new start, a fresh breeze, and profound step forward in the evolution of the written gardens, especially the blogging places and yet, the expansion continues as more than five dozen blogs flow here at this public blog site alone and the possibility of watering down is everywhere and yet, this may be why it was a quiet year here in this (or that, for that matter) year that just passed into the past and it may be that, in the end, someone (me, even) is truly listening, connecting, understanding, and caring in the verbal and verbish sense of the word and there is always hope for an actual meaningful method to the madness and it is not all merely...

bullsugar! :)

the writer says: be

perhaps... all this (or is it that, and then some) is writing the record of the life i kinda sorta seem to think of or at least consider mine from time to time... sometimes appearing (or is that feeling) broken (or is that disconnected... lost... forgotten... abandoned... ignored... unwanted... unknown... whatever?) and sometimes recording remembering (it is a long long way from may to december, or something like that) and that is what i got back to doing, the writing the record, a bit tonight (even if the smile seems to be missing a few teeth at the moment)... the water flows, the wind blows, the fire burns, the earth turns, and love is the fifth essential element to life (to life, l'chiam, aye?)...

bless yourself today, even if you didn't sneeze :)

ephemeral

that word, i do not think it means what you think it means (ah, the wonder of quotations begged borrowed or stealed (modified, even) and is has been so very long to share to care to be well aware to love and be lost amidst the magic of romance and trust and the illusion of all that and unconditional love and how wildly fugacious of us (or someone) to have thought the concept in another future past space and time and head space were to for art thou you too and with muchness musicology and candor as if the moment had no end until it did, for the moment at least...

more to life

are you still dreaming or are you cheesecake dancing through your pickled life amidst fractal thinking bent mental contructs bleeding delusional logic feeding irrational beliefs and fruitcake holidays, but not to be denied there is a cure for that and they call it awakening to your own conscious awareness or death, depending on perspective and personally life is more appealing, so here is to hoping you get the point and more, you live it...

cuz there's more to life than bullsugar!

prophetic

in a fleeting moment of semi-consciousness as i felt the start of my fifty-fifth year in this life, i thought, or perhaps just felt, that i might look back on this year amazed that i did not conceive more consiously or often that it could be the mid-point, the half way mark of this life that would last more than a century of this earthly time and with wonder or irony, seriously consider that i actually would i be here remembering that ephemeral thought from half a lifetime ago… i had not yet found my literary voice amidst the thousands of streams of consciousness that passed through my head and fingers into the written word each day, a circumstance that often lead my readers to label me with the then popular psychological diagnosis ADD (attention deficit disorder), to which i’d suggest with my usual serious irrverence that it could be an easy way to explain away a lack of comprehension of a multi-track stream of consciousness that has since been more clearly understood as synaptic multi-threading or intellectual agapism… yet the hope that something meaningful and worthwhile beyond my mind would emerge from all the time i spent putting words together kept the words flowing into whatever recording medium available along the way through this journey through this life, from crayon and drawing paper to pen and notebooks to keyboard and hard drive to electronic synaptic transfer to telepathic expression, unconcerned with the immediate reception, unwilling to modify the flow or style of the literary expression for the unconditional trust, the blind faith in the thought process compelled me to continue following the consceptualizations wherever they lead and if that was to be no more than selfish ego, then so be it… who then would have foreseen this moment would arrive that i would recall that evanescent emotional flash as prophetic when then, i simply mused casually over the irony of the possibility and the folly of my own delusion of human self-importance…

bullsugar! :)

unamericans

(e)thereal has received almost 800 page views from outside of the borders of the usa according to in the past few months which is fun in a statistical game and fantasy kind of way and i wonder who looks in and why and whether anyone comes back cuz the whole point of public blogging is to put myself out here to be read and open to communication and feedback and responses even if it's salted with much grains most of the time (cuz wisdom overrules fantasy as age repeats the lessons and the rational mind gains pleasure in being right more than the irrational heart craves the adrenaline rush of the roller coaster of emotional chaos) there is still hope (always hope) that you were meant for me and i was meant for you, bejeweled, even, and blessed be the children, every one, while this little piggy full of excitement and hopefulness, sat back, relaxing and smiling all the way home :)

bullsugar! :)

what?... whatever

i mean, like, whatever (seriously, this is serious, dichotomously bipolar, even)... right, so i finally sort of updated the primary entry page to my web world (the only one left since att deleted the main gate, burned down the front door, and smashed all the windows {sorry joey} and so many other pages, sigh, yes, the house crumbles, but the heart remains... and att sucks... what was i saying?), ah yes, the back door now (suddenly) has a brand semi-new coat of semi-gloss paint (semi cuz the code is not perfect and width and height of the new vitally important text will change and overlay the rest of the page with every screen size smaller than a 15 inch monitor, but it's still brand semi-new and hopefully improved and potently (or potentially, even) fortified with ironic (isn't it?) explanations of what the world wide web was and sort of still is all about for me, personally, i mean, as a writing addict... yeah, whatever, and i know, you may not have noticed, but i am rather addicted to writing, for whatever it means like so maybe now someone will find my still beating heart within the crumbled wreckage of deleted pages that was once my home on the web and we'll fall in love and live happily ever after... wouldn't it be nice? :)

or bullsugar! :)

the missing

yeah, even though i haven't been home until almost midnight or beyond most nights and life is so very busy with fun and friends and work i love and giving and food and toys and softball and basketball and games i love and diverse groups of people sharing most of my diverse interests and some oddities and even some tv now and then, i miss you and the song just keeps playing on another endless repeat... and me too, i miss me too...

bullsugar! :)

creative insomnia

i closed my eyes (only for a moment then the moment's gone?... well, sort of {and we grin a silly mostly all-knowing grin} but more, a starting out sincere {but ending up half-hearted} intent to fall asleep), cuz the mind wizzes and waddles and rambles and rants through oil rigs and imaginary diety chats and softball replays and some sort of enlightenment and how humanity got so bent and ear rings that never stop screaming and a mind that never stops dreaming and books i want to read and things i want to do and games i want to play and promises i made to you and activities i want to share and people i want to see and way i want to care and ways i want to be and stuff i want to know and work that must be done and finding time to run and all the fun of the fair and clean air and long hair and blank stares and red chairs and dead birds blackened on the beach and people who don't practice what they preach and grown men who abuse the kids they teach and stars that remain just out of reach and theme parks where i want to play and rides i want to ride all day and stories seeking the time to tell and rhymes i used to know so well...

bullsugar! :)

alakasasafrass

note that is with two esses, as one would be very different... and once again (or at least almost if you know what i mean, amazement swims in those bright brown eyes... or whatever color they may be today... and you, dear loves lost in ignorance, are missing the party, the story, the journey through the magical mystery tour of the mind that i experience (not to mention the web world)... for all you see is what you see...

bullsugar! :)

maintaining quo

status or otheriwse, sometimes hanging on by the skin of the teeth (as if teeth had skin), other times just holding breath and hoping it all doesn't fall apart, we continue to muddle through the bullsugare and worse, the crap that produces neither amusement, education, or other worth in other to believe that everything is gonna be alright no matter what...

and the rest of the time it's mostly...

bullsugar! :)

twitter?

i have not yet begun to tweet!

bullsugar!

fourty four blogs here at blogspot (though not all listed on my profile and a few shared)... thirty diaries at diaryland (though only about thirteen actually developed with theme and entries and all of those mostly sleeping these days)... and a few journals at live journal have long slept as well... and other elsewhere, some of which can be found here... why?... i am mentioning it because i want attention and feeback... i do it because releasing myself, real and imaginary, into words is cathartic...

also... so much bullsugar... and then some...

what'dya miss?

oh surely you have not read every entry everywhere and even if you think you did, spent weeks or longer tracking down every entry i wrote, look again and you'll find some entries have slipped in between the ones you found when you were reading somewhere else... yes, that's right, write too... i write even more than you see and the overflow spills into the past as if they were already there... and if should come as no surprise cuz i've told you all this before...

you didn't know?...

must have missed that entry too :)

holy blogoly

ten new blogs created tonight for several different reasons, most to make sure some blog names are not used before i can get to them (as so many have been wasted before by people who created a blog only to abandon it after as few as one entry or never use it at all... words deserve better than that, even without the over-dramatic mockery)...

and there's a dent in the piles of stuff in the space, even more surprising... and what's all this about bullsugar?... seems i forget every few entries and this sort of random report pops up... but then, what is a blog if not a random report of this or that or whatever... if only there was time, there would be so much more, if only there was time...

and you, how are you?

all through the night

and to think, i was nodding off way back when, eight or nine hours ago, long before i let the emo rise and flow over the flood gates (oh, if there was only someone around, we'd have fallen in love... emo pouring over flood gates can be quite dangerous, ya know)... someday maybe i'll figure out where to upload all the words (and you can wander around trying to find them, aye?)...

the magical mystery tour continues after all...

attention!

it's been a brain-fest weekend so far as i've watched at least a few dozen videos, probably more, some more than an hour in length and more than half educational in a legitimate academic sense... and there's been reading involved too... you can find some of the links in previous entries here and over at bullsugar, which has become the sister daily blog to this one... and there've been many new videos uploaded to the two video blogs... and even some babbles uploaded to the babble blogs... and more, but just cuz i love attention and want idol worship for my massive amygdala and hyperactive nerons and all-around brilliance doesn't mean you have the time to explore, find the evidence, believe in me as i do, and sit there typing words telling me how great i am...

of course you could, i mean, we know you can do anything you want to do... and i'll return to the music now cuz songs are such good things (and you can't stay a stranger to a song... unless you ignore it)...

kind of like everything else, aye? :)

bullsugar! :)

yes, that's it...

the previous entry sums it up so well, or at least starts to a bit and heads in the right direction, so i could expound and perhaps should expound if i only could remember what i was thinking about when i was talking about what i was thinking...

sharing!