younger every day

yes, sometimes i feel like i am getting younger every day and it's not just the chocolate talking either cuz the power feels so real and that could be a perception manifestation of becoming more aware every day and the awareness presents the perception of being younger when in fact the time passing is physically adding a day of life to this life every day which would be something quite the opposite of getting younger and yet it still feels like i am getting younger every day so illusion or not, it's a good feeling...

even if it's mostly bullsugar :)

ephemeral

that word, i do not think it means what you think it means (ah, the wonder of quotations begged borrowed or stealed (modified, even) and is has been so very long to share to care to be well aware to love and be lost amidst the magic of romance and trust and the illusion of all that and unconditional love and how wildly fugacious of us (or someone) to have thought the concept in another future past space and time and head space were to for art thou you too and with muchness musicology and candor as if the moment had no end until it did, for the moment at least...

every rug i've known

every rug i've known seems to be made (or have been made, for that matter) to be pulled out from under me, but then, that's probably because i choose to weave (and step on) magic carpets while imagining that i can invite someone on to share it and settle down, as if that is even possible, so now that it's all figured out, i might as well play the fall (foal?... foil?... fool?... fa la la la la, ya falla?) again and lay down candles in the wind cuz if i die, i die, and if not, well, i pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again...

what else is new...

bullsugar!

moods, dudes

slap the fool silly who whines about emotions (oh you are so emo) as if feelings are cause to put someone down when the true value of life is to experience the physical roller coaster within and all around so just relax (or don't relax) and enjoy it with those who can (or all by yourself) and let those afraid of it to move on after they try to put you down (and you are the fool if you let them) laugh inside and realize (even when they will not) that they are just moods, dudes, treasure them while you've got them, they are better than alsheimers or being dead, cha cha cha...

it's all about the flippancy

even deep within the feelings so many fear and others put down and still others attack with vigor and stupidity, the point of life is to find the smiles behind the frowns and see the rainbows through the tears and tickle your funny bone even when your arm is broken...

or something like that...

the missing

yeah, even though i haven't been home until almost midnight or beyond most nights and life is so very busy with fun and friends and work i love and giving and food and toys and softball and basketball and games i love and diverse groups of people sharing most of my diverse interests and some oddities and even some tv now and then, i miss you and the song just keeps playing on another endless repeat... and me too, i miss me too...

bullsugar! :)

dreams

slept for at least five hours and woke with thoughts of $ on my head, rare as anything, but distinct thoughts of retirement funds and inheritence and death and taxes and people that i have let drift out of touch and ambivalence about reconnecting with the whole thing and before that i was reunioning with professional atheletes at some international festival and feeling a comradering while hugging two for an extended arm and arm affection while watching some celebration on tv and out the window off a balcony and feeling more connection than i ever feel in everyday life and i almost never remember dreams, aye? :}

someday, my sleep will come

yeah, i say someday because it definitely does not come at night without some conscious effort... too much to do, to many dreams to explore (awake), too much to write about, too much to share... there really is not enough awake time in this life...

wondering about you

yeah, so you see (if you've paid attention, looked around lately, are aware, and care) that the casual cool self-mockery is back (dorky narf)... and i will keep hoping life was fun for you today every day even if you never know (oh, is ignorance really bliss?... you really ought to get in touch, i mean, all this silent time is making me wonder if you are still alive {better than wondering if all your caring was a lie, aye?}... emo snark)... and besides, you matter even more when you are in touch, ya know? (not so depressed that you don't care if you matter, are ya?)...

bullsugar!

creative insomnia

i closed my eyes (only for a moment then the moment's gone?... well, sort of {and we grin a silly mostly all-knowing grin} but more, a starting out sincere {but ending up half-hearted} intent to fall asleep), cuz the mind wizzes and waddles and rambles and rants through oil rigs and imaginary diety chats and softball replays and some sort of enlightenment and how humanity got so bent and ear rings that never stop screaming and a mind that never stops dreaming and books i want to read and things i want to do and games i want to play and promises i made to you and activities i want to share and people i want to see and way i want to care and ways i want to be and stuff i want to know and work that must be done and finding time to run and all the fun of the fair and clean air and long hair and blank stares and red chairs and dead birds blackened on the beach and people who don't practice what they preach and grown men who abuse the kids they teach and stars that remain just out of reach and theme parks where i want to play and rides i want to ride all day and stories seeking the time to tell and rhymes i used to know so well...

bullsugar! :)

some rest

yes, some rest, not enough, but a large doze of much needed rest... and the tip of the massive bloat of fatigue and excess peeks out from the depths where reality is buried by the daily grind of rushed habits that too easily becomes life, a very thin imitation of the true potential of the word... life is not only bullsugar, after all...

we can do much better...

more to follow

as it is mayday, may day, maybe a day of calling for help or a day for new rebirth (i prefer the latter, though the beatles song still plays in the background now and then, as does never walk alone and so many others, but then, so does the fun and frolic of communication in the moment that the likes of facebook and the online world provides... still, i want to play around the physical environs today, so maybe later...

more bullsugar! :)

video fever

that's right, in case you found this place and haven't noticed, at least a half dozen videos popped into the random pop news blog from the serious to the nonsense from banal satire to serious social issues, the world outside the head came a knocking as i found time to wander around my emails and youtube and other newsy places...

posterity will have a lot of catching up to do... how about you? :)

attention!

it's been a brain-fest weekend so far as i've watched at least a few dozen videos, probably more, some more than an hour in length and more than half educational in a legitimate academic sense... and there's been reading involved too... you can find some of the links in previous entries here and over at bullsugar, which has become the sister daily blog to this one... and there've been many new videos uploaded to the two video blogs... and even some babbles uploaded to the babble blogs... and more, but just cuz i love attention and want idol worship for my massive amygdala and hyperactive nerons and all-around brilliance doesn't mean you have the time to explore, find the evidence, believe in me as i do, and sit there typing words telling me how great i am...

of course you could, i mean, we know you can do anything you want to do... and i'll return to the music now cuz songs are such good things (and you can't stay a stranger to a song... unless you ignore it)...

kind of like everything else, aye? :)

bullsugar! :)

weirdness arises again

most of the time it is a memory cell that slips and forgets something that causes weirdness of the personal kind because without that memory cell, the uncertainty of precisely how and when and what exactly happened and whether i did it or someone else did it or...

so linkages in recent posts around my personal blog world and emails found filtered by the software (was it filtered into the junk folder by microsoft or by my virus program and why did i decide to look at the junk mail tonight for the first time in months to find a six day old email that came in on the 16th of all dates?... ooooo, weirdness :)

yeah, so alone, i make of it what i choose... and if anyone else was involved in this weirdness, he or she will have to say so...

huh? :)

glee

yes, who could share such a simple dream, from blissfully feeling the wonderful colors and radiance of the sun rise and sun set to the sensual pleasure of finding a favorite snack in the house and munching away at four o'clock in the morning... who still experiences the instant excitement that comes when a bit of sweet attention sparks the same powerful emotion as the feeling that children get once a year opening presents under the tree... can anyone, grown past the simple innocent years of youth, grown through the challenging years of establishing independence, through the monotonous years of working the daily grind to survive, to earn wealth and material things, can anyone, then, still embrace the full physical euphoria of glee?... to share a dream, to actualize the dream, to make the dream real... a simple dream, to share the glee...

the best laid prams

or were they plans, we coyly inquire... it's an art, you know, the art of the coy inquiry (now there's a blog title waiting to happen... yes, so anyway, the week will be wonderful what with a wednesday to wednesday vacation from the work desk (and i shall endeavor not to turn on the laptop at home or away) and the softball tournament down south (it'll be good to get away from home, however briefly and rushed) and the holiday (but will i delve into the depths this year?... only time will tell, aye?) and such and such (heavy on the such)...

if you only knew, you might understand :}

yeah, right

the music flows more and more again, though not nearly where or how it once was and did, but more and the ache to share it, to feel it with and within someone, that is returning to the surface which means the depths of desire are stirring once again and if there was only time, the explosion would be seen across the blogosphere and perhaps, the changes would happen once again in the actual physical life...

still, all meaningless unless it is shared...

ah, strum your guitar, sing it kid...

just write about your feelings, not the things you never did... and yet, all he did was write about things he never did, a lot, and he felt them as if he did them, which was his secret, i guess, and if you really listened, you heard and if you really heard, you felt and if you really felt, you cried and if you really cried, you healed...

harry chapin takes me home to my roots better than anyone and tonight, i remember first loves, first passion, first feelings... bittersweet memories, because they are so sweet but no longer shared...

still, i want to say... happy birthday :)

sometimes, to catch up

yes, no kidding, cuz sometimes the words flow but i either am away from the internet (shocking, i know) or i fall asleep before i get to upload the words, so there's the catch-up time when entries flood the web in what may seem like random places, but is quite possibly a carefully strategically meticulously crafted creative creation of sorts...

or something like that...

secrets be told, the seriousness within the silliness is almost always in charge, even as the irreverence playfully presents it most of the time... if you understand that, then you just might have some chance of understanding at least a small part of me...

or all, your choice :)