not a very scientific poll

right, so lately, besides wondering if my ideas and humor and honesty should be shared openly in public while i am looking for a job in this area, i've been debating ethics and integrity in my head... and what do you do on your nights off?... but i suppose i really should keep the focus on the job search (and thank you for all the support) until i find one... feel free to discuss among yourself...

and then maybe i should mention that i posted this on facebook (hence the title of this entry, yo)... heck, this isn't even proper bullsugar...

relativeness

as opposed to relativity, i suppose, though that may be moot (or relative to perspective) as the pondering producing this postulation forms the words in the form of a question (thank you alex) of profoundity (or profundity or profoundness, for that matter) as if to query if everything was profound, would anything be profound and if everything was creative brilliance, would anything be creative brilliance and so ultimately in considering the relative meaningfulness of the individual blog entries right here and now i come to the question, if everything was equally meaningful, would anything have meaning?...

bullsugar? :)

wondering about you

yeah, so you see (if you've paid attention, looked around lately, are aware, and care) that the casual cool self-mockery is back (dorky narf)... and i will keep hoping life was fun for you today every day even if you never know (oh, is ignorance really bliss?... you really ought to get in touch, i mean, all this silent time is making me wonder if you are still alive {better than wondering if all your caring was a lie, aye?}... emo snark)... and besides, you matter even more when you are in touch, ya know? (not so depressed that you don't care if you matter, are ya?)...

bullsugar!

alakasasafrass

note that is with two esses, as one would be very different... and once again (or at least almost if you know what i mean, amazement swims in those bright brown eyes... or whatever color they may be today... and you, dear loves lost in ignorance, are missing the party, the story, the journey through the magical mystery tour of the mind that i experience (not to mention the web world)... for all you see is what you see...

bullsugar! :)

work, play, friends, fun

all squeezed into every single day along with good food and tv distractions and artistic amusements and games and did i mention fun?... but what about the love?...

love is everywhere all around inside outside up side down, love is all the energy and sharing and giving and wonder and excitement and joy (and even sorrow, but not the heavy weighty depressing sorrow you might be used to) and passion and awareness and life we live (if you live it, i mean)... but what about...

ah yes, the intimacy... missing the intimacy... the wonderfulness all sqrrzed into every single day could even be more amazingly wondrous... good to have something to look forward to :)

movies

i love movies, even more when i bond with someone because of how we love movies, especially specific movies... there are movies that are most dear to me because of the specific people who loved those movies with me... some like it hot is one... et is another... as is it's a wonderful life... my girl as well... home alone too... and harry potter and many 90's disney movies... sharing the movie experience is much more profound for me in the long run...

there are movies that draw me in even deeply no matter what and that is often due to the character (as written or as acted, sometimes libido is enough to draw me in, most times there's a much deeper psychological connection) as much as the story... v is one... hook, tale of two cities, random harvest, terminator 2 and serenity are others...

avatar did not quite win me over completely, but i do want to see it again in a full imax as i saw it opening night in a part-imax... the reason for this movie reflection entry is that i see this week avatar passed titanic as the biggest money maker ever in the u.s.a and worldwide..... the first film to make $2 billion... . and it made it in amazingly faster time (titanic took about 250 days to reach $600 million in the u.s. and avatar made $601 million in it's first 48 days... amazingly fast... quite amazing, really)...

anyway, it is partly due to inflation, but at the pace it is going avatar could reach the top ten of the inflation-adjusted lists too, thought #1 would be tough... does that make it the best movie all time?... not for me, though i definitely enjoyed it and will see it again... but the best movies for me are the ones with personal connections because they were shared with someone precious to me or because they become part of my psyche... and that's the impromptu movie wrap up in my head for tonight...

bullsugar :)

even when it's true

i do wonder if my words mean anything outside of my head sometimes, especially when i spend hours focusing on some subject intended to convey something meaningful or when i am trying to help someone... and appreciation feels good when it is geniune (and even better when it's intimate... i miss intimate appreciation (and i don't mean sexual, though i have nothing against sex)... but alone is my lot in life these days and it may be because self-sacrifice is the most underappreciated of all human deeds, but hey, it still feels good to me even if i am the only one i've ever know who's done it as selflessly as i have...

i seldom wonder if my emo bullsugar is worth much :}

holy blogoly

ten new blogs created tonight for several different reasons, most to make sure some blog names are not used before i can get to them (as so many have been wasted before by people who created a blog only to abandon it after as few as one entry or never use it at all... words deserve better than that, even without the over-dramatic mockery)...

and there's a dent in the piles of stuff in the space, even more surprising... and what's all this about bullsugar?... seems i forget every few entries and this sort of random report pops up... but then, what is a blog if not a random report of this or that or whatever... if only there was time, there would be so much more, if only there was time...

and you, how are you?

weirdness arises again

most of the time it is a memory cell that slips and forgets something that causes weirdness of the personal kind because without that memory cell, the uncertainty of precisely how and when and what exactly happened and whether i did it or someone else did it or...

so linkages in recent posts around my personal blog world and emails found filtered by the software (was it filtered into the junk folder by microsoft or by my virus program and why did i decide to look at the junk mail tonight for the first time in months to find a six day old email that came in on the 16th of all dates?... ooooo, weirdness :)

yeah, so alone, i make of it what i choose... and if anyone else was involved in this weirdness, he or she will have to say so...

huh? :)

glee

yes, who could share such a simple dream, from blissfully feeling the wonderful colors and radiance of the sun rise and sun set to the sensual pleasure of finding a favorite snack in the house and munching away at four o'clock in the morning... who still experiences the instant excitement that comes when a bit of sweet attention sparks the same powerful emotion as the feeling that children get once a year opening presents under the tree... can anyone, grown past the simple innocent years of youth, grown through the challenging years of establishing independence, through the monotonous years of working the daily grind to survive, to earn wealth and material things, can anyone, then, still embrace the full physical euphoria of glee?... to share a dream, to actualize the dream, to make the dream real... a simple dream, to share the glee...

did you ever feel?

i've got the feeling most people would say yes, but i've got the feeling that most people actually never did, but then, how would one know, after all... illusions, all... it's really sad, but then, sadness is an emotion, a feeling, isn't it... so is it? (as in, i mean, does it really exist and what is real?... and what is it, anyway?)...

ever really hear meg & dia?

and i wonder about tone

specifically, the tone of this blog that is now entering it's third month of life and yet to be noticed by anyone, i think, as compared with the tone of my other daily blogs that are mostly semi-daily now, except for this one and then (or now, in fact) i wonder - is this the first time i am openly contemplating and linking this to the stream of blogs that branch out from my written gardens and if so, what do (or can) we make of that?...

well don't just discuss amongst yourselves, i mean, feel free to let me in on your thoughts too, aye?...

narf :)

do you love me yet?

that is what i am here for, after all, to fall in love with the one who falls in love with me in the exact same way (and it's not fantasy if it actually happens, ya know)...

all i ever needed was the one...

sometimes, to catch up

yes, no kidding, cuz sometimes the words flow but i either am away from the internet (shocking, i know) or i fall asleep before i get to upload the words, so there's the catch-up time when entries flood the web in what may seem like random places, but is quite possibly a carefully strategically meticulously crafted creative creation of sorts...

or something like that...

secrets be told, the seriousness within the silliness is almost always in charge, even as the irreverence playfully presents it most of the time... if you understand that, then you just might have some chance of understanding at least a small part of me...

or all, your choice :)

day by day

it could be there is some association, some relation, some connection through memory or meaning to the previous entry on the previous day or date, whenever it was, but the truth is found between and behind the eyes, so make what you will of the words but reserve judgment, if you must judge, until the eyes have had it...

crossed wires

this was started as a whole new and unique blog that would not be completely intergrated (and therein biased, or tainted, even) by the babbling madness and controversial irreverence that permeates the previous dozens of blogs, diaries, and journals just cuz i enjoy mind games and playing with words (is it real, memorex, or artificial flavoring?... even her hairdresser doesn't know, but you could if you paid close attention and learned to count in aremaic... aremaniac?... sure...

but in the end, the themes and moods and purposes for this blog are spilling into other writing spaces and the babbling madness and other negativities are spilling into this one and that begs the question, what's the point of another blog doing the same old same old when there are already a few and a few more that are hardly used... i mean, where's the continuity, the congruety, the unique purpose and methodology and tapestry?... but anyway, everything is blurriful in it's own way...

nyuk...

loneliness

while happiness dominates the experience within me in this life just cuz i love (and love being a very close second to happiness for emotional experiences for me in this life) being me and enjoying the experience of being alive, loneliness is almost as powerful as happiness and is one of the most dominating emotions i experience in this life...

loneliness is one of the reasons i write here, hoping that sharing happens, at least in words and hoping that connections happen offline too... sometimes i come here wondering "is anybody out there?"... that's the loneliness talking... sometimes the hope and belief that sharing will happen at any moment and you are out there finding these words is strong and that's when joy and happiness bounce out into the words more...

how do you experience it?

just because

there is meaning in obscurity, intentional and not... there is passion and truth even in what we forgot... nothing is ever completely gone if it ever was... and if you never respond i'll still be here, if just because...

by the time you find me here i may be gone

that's the way it is in this moving world

in this moving world

spinning round the sun streaking through space

dances in your mind create the life you live

you are unfurled unfurled unfurled

pretending we can stay in just one place

begging for connections, keep the faith, there's always hope

praying someday someone will respond

beyond heaven's gate the real is dancing in your eyes

but by the time you find me here i may be gone

by the time you find me here i may be gone

what were you doing now?

as if someday you will find all these little bread crumbs of my soul so neatly scattered across winds of life and time i wonder what you were doing the moment that these words emerged from my inagination into rhyme and then i wonder if this will matter as much to you in then as it seems to matter to me in my now...

and yes, i'd ask in other ways if i knew how...