undress your thoughts

but then, people are taught to be more afraid of undressing their thoughts than being naked in body... and have you bought into the fear too?...

who will be completely naked with me?

tea and bullsugar

sweet, no lemon, iced when it's hot, hot when it's cold, and tim tebow has way too much agenda to be a popular sports figure outside of blind who lead the blind, but then, they'd have us believe that is the majority, in the u.s.a. at least... does that mean the mjority want to overthrow the government and the constitution because the constitution says they break the law when they try to make their religion law of the land?...

you say you want a revolution?...

randomness prevails

whatever the previous entry would have been, brilliant genius as it probably was, there is spilt milk everywhere, spilled too, and all the tears in the world will only make it salty milk, so develop your ability t9o enjoy whatever and everything will be amazing, just like it is for all who's life is reminiscent of an episode of seinfeld, so don't thank me, it was nothing...

softball and sustenance

the double header went awry as errors threw away game one and though we came right back to tie that was the score when it was done... the second game was even less as the others racked up the score and our hitting did not impress and i was not pitching anymore... so one and one and one becomes our record for the league for now and oddly this team could be good if only we could/would learn how...

and then, food stuffed face...

blogger sucks, no bullsugar

well, blogger sucks, ate another entry, trust dissolves into bullsugar...

distract me...

did it again, no oops needed

yes, the brief nap to wake to watch prime time tv crap to slide into babbling to update the real to drift off to nonsense with the late night reruns ultimately, to cook up an after dinner meal and enjoy craig...

email: my father wants to take me on a trip for my twenty-first birthday... do you have any recommendations where we should go?...

craig: you should take an acid trip...

email: i am going for a job interview... do you have any advice that will help me land the job?...

craig: lie your ass off...

do we finally have another timothy leary for the new millenia?... intelligent rebellion seemed to die off in the reagan years when the hippie generation stuffed their noses with cocaine and sold out to the corporations and the man... oh, there was george carlin, but he was satisfied in the background quietly influencing people with enlightened comedy that did not ruffle enough feathers to change too much... and bill mahr is similar in his challenge to the status quo, as was carl sagan... intellectuals don't change things much in a fat lazy society...

ah, bullsugar...

someone save my life tonight

or any night, for tht matter... i need a change of habit... someone to actually take interest in actively caring about me, the life i live, in the real world, physical daily life... and i don't mean an intimate partner, though there's nothing wrong with sex at all and i'd surely love another lover, but more important for continuing being alive, is intimate caring... active caring is a true life saver, even more, a life extender... and it's been more than a few years since i had a friend who actually actively cared daily in the physical world...

sigh, and all that bullsugar...

start again in fifteen days? :}

tv

it is the essence of bullsugar, and far from the best, but the mostly superficial crust of human emotional mucous and the card or video games played when you are sick at home and looking for distraction... on another level, it is trashy candy, the junk food diet of the typical usa taste buds, the burgers, fries, tacos, jelly beans, marshmallow flush of the mind... and while i know the waste it can be, i can choose to enjoy and even appreciate the distractions and sweets and fried fats that bloat the body and head in the form of television programming...

i prefer to share the viewing experience, but even alone i can choose a few shows to suck in my brain, to absorb memory cells and motivate me to want to watch a continuing story... and over the past week i've tentatively chosen caprica and 24 (tentatively because i've only watched two episodes of the first on the internet and three of the second and might easily forget to find myself in front of a tv when these shows are on next, but i know i can find them online in the middle of the night or whenever i have a few hours to watch...

it would be nice to find a friend who shares the specific personality traits that interest me most (and if that could be someone who finds my specific personality traits most interesting and attractive to her, ah, what a wonderful life this could be) and i'm not even sure if the superficial pablum of television drama and comedy is any measure of compatibility (in so many ways it is not, and yet, it is a way to pass the time together and i'd like that), but i think i might watch some tv this year... oh really?...

yeah, the news is out of the bag, so how's your cat? :)

as if every word mattered, as if every entry in every blog mattered, as if every thought in every string of words mattered to someone who cared to read and find the value in every word, every thought, every line, every entry, in every blog…

it continues…

ridiculous lack of time

but more, an even more ridiculous stubbornnness to not give up my writing time and my relaxation time at the expense of the moving that has to happen in a couple of weeks cuz i put a down payment on a new apartment and i've got to give this place notice that i am moving out and start packing and cleaning and getting ready for the move, but there's so much to do at work that taking time off is not reasonable and bring work home is routine and still i want to play and find love and share happily ever after, but who would ever want to live the life i live, or share it, for that matter... so much to do, so little time...

and how are you? :}

repetitive

instinct suggests that when the blogging starts feeling repetitive, whether it actually is repetitive or not, it is time for a change, either a break or some other sort of change...

this is blog instinct number seventeen, or something like that...

after all, this isn't talk radio...

but oh, the catching up to do

which is somewhat seussian, not quite freudian, and unamerican, no doubt, but the politics of religion will never defeat the sexual revolution for primal beasts we be no matter what any god might say, images are made to be broken, after all, and that is what they said, in his image, so the old dude in the sky must be a pathological pervert too...

but oh, the catching up to do...

tour de lumpur

just too a visual tour of kuala lumpur and as i was flying through the eyes in my mind i wondered why humanity is so dependent of delusion and so eager to fight and die to defend what is not at the expense of what is... perhaps they can study that at the university d'islam or some fictitious xian place of equivalent value...

midstream

in the middle of a dream, or at least a stream as the words were flowing not quite like old times but closer than to that at least not in recent months or perhaps longer, but who's counting...

someone, i hope :)

birth

there is physical birth, a sperm and egg becoming an zygot becoming an fetus becoming an embryo (or vice versa) growing in a uterus becoming a baby becoming a human emerging from a vagina... there is intellectual birth, the cognitive awareness of the ability to choose, make decisions, take actions, exert some modicum of control over the body and the immediate environment around the body... there is emotional birth, the realization that the mind has power to effect the affect, the body, the physical experience of life that the mind perceives through the physical senses that the body provides... there is ethereal birth, some call it spiritual, some call it psychic, some call it belief or faith, some call it something else, the intuitive sense that knowledge is real without concrete perception or tangible evidence or logical reason as if being can be without the body, mind, or senses...

most only experience one birth in this life and fake the others…

not packing

at least it wasn't a window or a moving vehicle, aye yo ho? don't you know where to go when it's time to take the last stand (harry died before her made it completely clear but the answer's there for those who can hear) and what time is it?...

freaking now, that's when :)

i so don't have time for babble, but the bug is eating through all reason and it may cost me some dollars cuz the packing is not getting done, but the mind has a mind of it's own sometimes... if you knew, you'd understand, but if you understood, you might not know, though it would help in most cases... are you most cases?...

i'm going to miss the naked...

work games

for a child who loves playing with numbers and algebra and calculations and puzzles and problem solving and computers and learning new stuff all the time, the best job is one in which you are always just a little over your head (or a lot) and swimming upstream to find ways to do more better in less time with less offort and that's the way it is for me at work these days... so for me, work is a game and i've got it set up so that it's really challenging and fun (and there's no one telling me how to do it or what the product must look like, which is even more fun)...

hope you've found a way to make your work games fun too...

who has the time

to share all the time

poop and testicles

or testicals?... testicalls?... kittens and bunnies?... killer bunnies?... mila kunis?... john lennon?... name dropping?... sex on the beach?... bins and muffins?... i'm looking for a good sex object, so if you've got anyone in mind, please pass along your suggestions for my next ravenous libido fantasy at the comment box nearest you...

the safety word is poop and testicalls...

is this the way to death?

as if i need directions, the way i'm living at the rate i'm going in the direction i'm heading on the road i'm on... huh?... somewhere over the rainbow i've got a dream of resting peacefully with nothing to do but lay back and enjoy the scenery, but until i have my stroke i'll just continue struggling with all the things i want to do that require more time than exists in our reality or the minds of man...

which is why i am heterosexual tonight...

what amazing nonsense

of course the amazing assessment may only go to prove how deluded (or is that diluted?) i am (or have become, if ever i was undiluted), or is it the mock humility that presents a parody of seriousness for reasons only secret messages in far off corners of the web will someday explain to the very few who follow all the bread crumbs and figure out the maze (a-mazing we will go, nyuk nyuk, narf :)

understanding

i never really understood helplessness or hopelessness, even though i tried (and perhaps successfully, for a time) to actualize both, it was mostly just to fit in, to try to be loved and belong in the family of humans... as if infantile helplessness is somehow the way to get people to trust and love and take care of me... as if that is not simply abandoning awareness and responsibility, but then, what does responsibility bring, anyway?... so maybe i understand more than i think i do... so why have i never given up and checked myself into a nice little hospital where i could take legal drugs and get high and get food and do nothing but write in a journal and smile and nod and follow directions...

maybe i am just too stubborn to follow directions...

matters?

what matters?... only you know...
who matters?... only you decide...
why?... because, you matter.

sleep or laundry

the simplest of mundane decisions, health or cleanliness, as even the desire to share sits back and watches the brain shut down after the [izza-pasta carbs raise the blood sugar level and invite the sweet sleep this body and brain is (are) so hungry for... and the left ear is ringing louder than ever and both ears feel so clogged, is it wax or blood pressure or something else. a tumor or something supernatural...

sleep or laundry, such simplest questions...

will i explode tonight

lol, i wonder if that is a question... ordereding italian food to take home is a dangerous activity for me because i love variety in my foods and will often end up with enough food for a dozen people (or at least nine) and how do you eat just a little?...

even when it's true

i do wonder if my words mean anything outside of my head sometimes, especially when i spend hours focusing on some subject intended to convey something meaningful or when i am trying to help someone... and appreciation feels good when it is geniune (and even better when it's intimate... i miss intimate appreciation (and i don't mean sexual, though i have nothing against sex)... but alone is my lot in life these days and it may be because self-sacrifice is the most underappreciated of all human deeds, but hey, it still feels good to me even if i am the only one i've ever know who's done it as selflessly as i have...

i seldom wonder if my emo bullsugar is worth much :}

down deep

there's a place i go where it doesn't matter what anybody thinks or says about me or even what anyone does to me... i let myself get taken for a fool, taken advantage of, giving more away than most ever have in a lifetime... and maybe there are lots of karma points built up for me in the universe somewhere and maybe karma points are not visible as appreciation and nothing actually comes around... ultimately the feeling inside matters most and down deep, all is well, everything's alright, and t really doesn't matter if i'm wrong or rigt where i belong i'm right, i've gotta be me...

ok, before this entry writes the songs we love to sing, i'll smile and go down deep to the place and watch the wheels go round and round... may you find your place inside too :)

yeah, whatever

another one of those typical yeah, whatever moods as i look around and realize nobody really cares about anything cuz everybody lives in their own deluded self-centered fear-based fantasy...

and you are still welcome in mine :}

can sleep come

perhaps this year i will remember how important sleep is enough to actually actualize sleeping enough to actually actualize whatever optimal health and prosperity is left in this physical body i inhabit...

cuz there may not be too many years left... ummm, ya know? :}

holy blogoly

ten new blogs created tonight for several different reasons, most to make sure some blog names are not used before i can get to them (as so many have been wasted before by people who created a blog only to abandon it after as few as one entry or never use it at all... words deserve better than that, even without the over-dramatic mockery)...

and there's a dent in the piles of stuff in the space, even more surprising... and what's all this about bullsugar?... seems i forget every few entries and this sort of random report pops up... but then, what is a blog if not a random report of this or that or whatever... if only there was time, there would be so much more, if only there was time...

and you, how are you?

thereal exploded

referencing ethereal (even linked, which means something more, though i'll leave delving into the more for another time) where babble exploded and will follow here if i remain long (so i won't, cuz that's not what this is for, so there) but stopping by to bzzzzz some bullsugar at you cuz that's where it comes from (bullsugar is extracted from babble?... well, we'll have to talk to the scientists about that before we believe everything we read)... it was wonderful to be here (and certainly a thrill, with or without an audience, actually) cuz the imagination is the sweetest taste of all... happy new year everybody (and you too, wavey :)

oh gobber, it was horrible

i watched cable tonight... picked up the remote cuz i was asked to switch channels to find the ball dropping channel after the football game and there was one channel after another channel after another channel after, well, you get the idea... so many had something on...

i could see my brain cells dropping like flies...