the web woven

the web was woven (weaved?) wide tonight as i make time to release some of the words backed up between the synapses and you'll just have to find my ninety-nine gazillion other blogs, diaries, journals, and web pages on your own for now cuz this is bullsugar, whatever that means...

besides, you have to let me know you exist before i give you the keys to the kingdom, after all, or something like that...

narf.

writing magic

the magic comes and goes so fast, we mustn't always trust memory or fate, which may be why we write, among other reasons...

obviously not

being the epitome of oxymorons, i truly really actually did mean and intend (as if redundancy makes it more real and true?) to leave the controversies and negativities (and depths, for that matter, but that's beneath the story) out of this blog so it might become the beacon of acceptability and attraction that i can be when i focus on and actualize honesty without harm with serious sensitivity and responsible caution and without all that jazz...

any chance it'll happen?

honesty without harm

and if you are offended by anything i say (or write) then please try to ask yourself why you choose your way because i mean no offense and intent to do no harm and i won't let you bring me down and i hope you do the same...

i guess i simply do not want to discipline myself to the point of censorship because the stiffling of creativity does not need my help and i'd rather be me freely releasing the thoughts and feelings passing through me than carefully sharing planned pablum (or even serious thought) designed to placate fear and doubts and seduce the general public by pandering to the lowest common denominator which devalues everything and ultimately, will be shot down...

i love you honestly, so i will njot respect your stupidity, your hypocrisy, or your self-destruction... wake up and start living honest love and all will be well (if only you would)... sometimes it's not bullsugar but just appears...

oops, we did it again

again?... oh well, maybe there's just no cleaning up the act of the incorrigible child who really does not care how the world (that would be most of you, i suppose) perceives the babbling fool online (or is this yet another weaving of the web of the maze of madness that is the method to the means to me?)...

it was supposed to be more appealing as in less ridiculously abstract and whetever else it takes to be popular or at least more accepted as normal every day or really not all this grandious crap but some serious sharing on the semi-light smiley happy shiney facey side just like you...

or was that just bullsugar?

it's all bullsugar

whatever that means, i mean, who knows what it means, i mean, seriously, irreverence is sweet, sugar... everything is serious, in it's own way, but taking anything too seriously is just plain sick and a waste of time cuz life is short and the fun is the point if you love and let yourself be loved cuz love is the point if you make it fun (honesty without harm is the way, yay) so sweeten the ride and lighten the load cuz it's all too heavy to be burdened by worry and selfish emo (and you know what i mean, i mean, what it means)...

and what's this soul cake sting is singing about these days?... i mean, has the beard gone to his head?... or is that a small cake?... a salt cake?... assault cake?... might as well be agassi wearing a wig on crystal meth, but what sickness is really permeating our culture can be found almost anytime on tv, extra or tmz or so many other celebrity-sick narcissism only sadder when we realize the audience at home is even more delusional than the characters on the screen, living vicariously as if it's something to take pride in (cuz pride is so important to humans) instead of actually living...

and even as i appear so self-absorbed as i cast irreverence upon the cyber seas in words that at once mock and condemn and bless and judge and laugh and cry and who knows what else (or what is real, aye?) and it appears i am so desperately lonely at times and want attention so much i'll do anything out here (where did i put those the nude videos again?) for your feedback, in the end, as important as your noticing and responding really is, i am here sharing words cuz i want to write and the internet lets me store the words so i can look back and enjoy (or at least learn about, cha know) the thoughts and feelings in my mind and oh yeah, i'l the delusional one...

might as well welcome god into the mix, aye?...

cha-ching :)

wherever

maybe it's time to buy the netbook so i can tap the keys in more places, especially in bed...

wherever i lay my head...
wherever (eerie ethereal echos)
so long since i slept in bed
wherever (repeat echos, redundantly)
forgot everything i said
whatever (sudden silence)
wherever i lay my head
(layered repeated errie ethereal echos, again)


thank you very much...

the thing is

whatever i was going to say

loneliness

while happiness dominates the experience within me in this life just cuz i love (and love being a very close second to happiness for emotional experiences for me in this life) being me and enjoying the experience of being alive, loneliness is almost as powerful as happiness and is one of the most dominating emotions i experience in this life...

loneliness is one of the reasons i write here, hoping that sharing happens, at least in words and hoping that connections happen offline too... sometimes i come here wondering "is anybody out there?"... that's the loneliness talking... sometimes the hope and belief that sharing will happen at any moment and you are out there finding these words is strong and that's when joy and happiness bounce out into the words more...

how do you experience it?

in spite of the busy-ness

i find a moment to stop by because i want to keep in touch with you and that is the most serious the words can ever be about this blogging experience these days, or maybe ever...

i am here, hope you are there and we talk, smile, touch, and share soon :)

we never had sex

by henry gibson's younger sister

we never had sex
but we made love
we shared the dreams
lovers dream of
platonic and pure
tremulous and true
and you can be sure
i still love you
yes you can be sure
i'll always love you

awwww, precious, aye?... hey, a rhyme for your birthday with hope to amuse, a rhyme full of word play to tease and confuse, a rhyme is just my way as if that is news, a rhyme for you today to shout out the news that today is your birthday... so scooby dooby doos :)

happy birthday pj, from me to you

may this be the best one yet :)

because ever day matters

i come here to share every day (at least i want to) because every day matters and i hope to share every day because sharing makes everything more fun and matter even more cuz two minds exponentially increase everything (especially the experience awareness conciousness perception reality physicality and feeling, if you want it, of sharing) to make each moment the most it can be...

and cuz it's fun :)

watching tv is weird

of course it is, for many reasons, in fact... take time, for instance... you watch a rerun of a talk show and it's like going back in time and then right after that show you watch a live show and wonder what day it is cuz the other show was on just moments ago and referred to toay as some day that already happened and you get confused in a time warp uncertain which when is which and why you even look at the clock at all...

meanwhile, craig ferguson's mind is quite amusing, but even more, it makes sense to me... i wonder how many others hear the seriousness within the irreverence (serious irreverence?... no wonder i enjoy him)...

just thoughts, no plan, whether or not you understand, just words, maybe rhyme, just a way to pass the time, just a way to mark the time, just a way... i can call mine...

up all night

as usual, with softball in the morning, but that's another story (too real for here?... whatever is the point of all the different blogs if all the separations merge and confuse the purpose of each one if there ever was one {oh come on, we know there was and somehow, still is} anyway?... anyway?... yeah, anyway?... what of it?... anyway...

if only you knew...

the thing was

what?... maybe i keep starting new blogs to see if anyone is paying attention, i mean, really caring in the verbal literary as in caring is a verb sense... nouns, verbs, verbal, written, and all that jazz aside, humor too, it could be that at my deepest core, or perhaps in a nearby suburb, there is serious doubt that humans have the ability to care as much as they need to in order to understand the conscious awareness the mind is capable of achieving when the dominant power is love instead of fear... humans choose fear, though many will claim not to have a choice, as if the mind controls the consciousness instead of the other way around... so maybe i'm not amazed and wanna be and this wandering aimlessly (or so it may appear) is all part of the carefully laid out maze (maze?... a maze?... oh stop playing with words, most won't get it and those who do will only be distracted, but maybe that's the point, aye?) is the test...

what?... nobody said there'd be a quiz today...

don't hurt yourself

trying to get this

it'll be here when you get here
even if i am not

somehow i think

therefore what?... but seriously, i think, sometimes i think this writing space has forgotten it's purpose as so many have before (or perhaps it will in a week or so) and touched the real (the what?... allusions to illusions or delusions of grandiousity, if you could only know you might be introduced to me and then the magic might begin if you could only see your way to give me you as much as i can give you me... reality and fantasy are completely in you and me)...

something in the way...

ya know?

yes, it was

and still is the only dream i know (with respect to john denver for a change) and the music in the mind and the night and the stars and the ethereal... if we only listened)... anybody actually out there?... anybody actually keeping up with me?... even in my sleep, i am alone... but in my dreams, sweet dreams, that's where i'm home... yes in my dreams, sweet dreams, my love comes home...

always been between the sheets of bullsugar...

all i ever wanted

to love and be loved.

profund

a typo or a reference to something else... money... professionalism... productivity... fundamentals... are there fundaphysicals too?... fundawhat?

and what have you missed?
and what does it matter
if i was wise as a god
or as mad as a hatter
if it is only me
who knows my own worth
then was there any purpose
in my being, or birth?
for posterity here
and there i leave words
for myself and for you
and true, for the birds
sometimes lonely and sad
sometimes blissfully real
sometimes lost in deep thought
sometimes just what i feel
sometimes reflections of
worlds i do not understand
all around me are people
doing harm with their hands
and i so want to help
and not be in the way
but sometimes i just want
to be left alone...
like today

the irony is that we do that so well, ignore each other, pretend nothing matters, pretend we don't care (or maybe we don't), that i can always get what i want when i want to be left alone... too bad i don't want this all the time...

just because

there is meaning in obscurity, intentional and not... there is passion and truth even in what we forgot... nothing is ever completely gone if it ever was... and if you never respond i'll still be here, if just because...

pushing

there is not enough time in a day to do all that can be done and lately, a year or more in fact, there has not been enough time in a day to give myself the time for myself that i want... and now i come to the point of asking where does want end and need begin...

i am pushing to get what i want... do i subconsciously push still more to get what i need... is that the difference and is that where it can become confused or even self-destructive... if i am asking, where are the question marks?...

the distraction of rules is the human crutch i laugh at so as not to face how much i detest it so as not to break too many and lose my freedom to choose... but pushing, that is when lines can be crossed and even inadvertently, irrepairable damage can be done...

not including spelling errors or typos, narf...

it is time for a change

i don't wish i was richard corey
i don't wish i was john lennon
i don't wish i was tim leary
i don't wish i was jesus christ
i don't wish i was god in heaven
i don't wish for power beyond life
i don't wish i was lucky seven
i don't wish i was anyone else
just me

i just wish i was with you
love is true
i just wish i was with you

this is not bullsugar, just a momentary wave of loneliness... but even a tsunami is not enough to strip everything again... some roots are just too deep to ever die... and it's the same for dreams... even if no one ever understands, including me, the instinct moves on like the tide...

sleepless still

eyes burn, beg to close, for a moment, but then... sweet dreams swirl around to set my mind a-soaring once again... a-soaring?... yeah, well, artistic license is expanded when sleep deprived... and you think it matters what is said or done?... what matters is we share some love and fun...

yeah, we share bullsugar... better than nothing, aye? :}

because the world did not end

the song seems to have lied...

but it's not skeeter davis's fault

you were the sunshine of my life.

the story never told

is the story that never ends...

because i want to be known

by someone, someday, somehow, completely...

i continue...

if we want to

you could follow me there or join me here anywhere in the world through the written word or if you are within reach we can share some space and time as observers or creators of our own lives - lives we can make sublime and if we see eye to eye we might even come together like two wings lifting an eagle or simply two words that rhyme...

will you join me in this quest for communication and coexistence?...

we could be friends, if we want to...

by the time you find me here i may be gone

that's the way it is in this moving world

in this moving world

spinning round the sun streaking through space

dances in your mind create the life you live

you are unfurled unfurled unfurled

pretending we can stay in just one place

begging for connections, keep the faith, there's always hope

praying someday someone will respond

beyond heaven's gate the real is dancing in your eyes

but by the time you find me here i may be gone

by the time you find me here i may be gone

yeah, so

the world might be your oyster and you may be a clam but you would never know if you just acted like a ham so relax, you can enjoy it without fear of how you look and you can overcome every like you read in every book for your rights and wrongs are not found in a message in the skies but rather in your heart and mind and the look in your own eyes...

have you ever really looked into your own eyes?

if i came here every day

would you?