caffiene and chocolate

and crackers and cheese spread and shrimp and meatballs and sausages in barbecue sauce and six different fruits and six different veggies and five different dips and six different crackers and six different chips and five different sodas and three different champagnes and several different beers and brie and ice pops and fudge pops and pistachio nuts and more... that's part of the menu for tonight... better fast today, aye?... did i mention four different lindt chocolates?... hey, we're getting the blogs confused again, but at least the upbeat is back, double aye? (aa, almost a fonz)... hi ho :)

more than survival

it is not too much to ask for in this life, more than survival, especially when i definite that as sharing... but there's too little sharing in this life to meet my definition for more than survival these days and that, for anyone reading or caring ever, is not bullsugar... fall down go boom sobers one up i suppose...

no worries, the [whatever this is] will return soon enough...

the difference is why

and somewhere deep within the words (or perhaps between the lines... betwixt?) there may be a difference (or was that just a failed intention?... time, posterity, and the judges of obscure literature may one day tell, but for now, we'll just play with the possibilities and hope for some discussion on the matter, or on any matter, for that matter, or this matter, for that matter, whatsa matter you?)...

bullsugar!

maybe i ought to get some sleep soon

ridiculous, no doubt, for i have the days off to do as i please and while i am relaxing the body by lazily doing none of the chores that rather depserately need doing around here, i am still giving into my nocturnal nature, which might not be so bad if the phone didn't ring regularly throughout the day cuz that's when the rest of the world is awake and expects me to be and i ought to turn the phone off for a day or two next time (cuz nobody else is gonna do it, aye?), snarf...

the day is simply too short for my natural circadian rhythm...

all through the night

and to think, i was nodding off way back when, eight or nine hours ago, long before i let the emo rise and flow over the flood gates (oh, if there was only someone around, we'd have fallen in love... emo pouring over flood gates can be quite dangerous, ya know)... someday maybe i'll figure out where to upload all the words (and you can wander around trying to find them, aye?)...

the magical mystery tour continues after all...

since last time

some of my xmas reading cuz all that peace on earth takes knowledge (and a strong stomach)...

so i watched a lot of videos on the youtube to fill my head with stuff cuz stuff is the essence of knowledge (and a strong stomach)...

and you thought it was all bullsugar (i know)...

attention!

it's been a brain-fest weekend so far as i've watched at least a few dozen videos, probably more, some more than an hour in length and more than half educational in a legitimate academic sense... and there's been reading involved too... you can find some of the links in previous entries here and over at bullsugar, which has become the sister daily blog to this one... and there've been many new videos uploaded to the two video blogs... and even some babbles uploaded to the babble blogs... and more, but just cuz i love attention and want idol worship for my massive amygdala and hyperactive nerons and all-around brilliance doesn't mean you have the time to explore, find the evidence, believe in me as i do, and sit there typing words telling me how great i am...

of course you could, i mean, we know you can do anything you want to do... and i'll return to the music now cuz songs are such good things (and you can't stay a stranger to a song... unless you ignore it)...

kind of like everything else, aye? :)

bullsugar! :)

this secret is personal

bullsugar might be the sweet side of bullshit, but it also might be the playful side of fake doo-doo and in the end, perhaps it is a chocolate creme pie in the face that pretends to be poop and leaves you wondering (unless you are the one tasting the creme on your very own lips)...

in other words, what is real and what is not?... you have to get close enough to taste me to really know me... narf :)

auto-posting

yes, it's the new thing i've been doing as i swim through the never ending stream of babbling, setting entries up for automatic posting at some later date... i've got them all over the place, popping up and surprising me when i least expect it...

just one more layer or wrinkle or whatever in the bullsugar :)

continue

more videos popping up, tuning in, turning on, tapping out...

more to follow :)

bully on sugar

yes, as real as it gets, there's another side of much more careless realness and that is the hedonistic self-indulgence of the sensory fun this body can enjoy and it is definitely a serious bull market on sugar in this body these days and there may be no let up until i suddenly stop, as i've been known to do...

wonderfulness, for as long as it lasts :)

yes, that's it...

the previous entry sums it up so well, or at least starts to a bit and heads in the right direction, so i could expound and perhaps should expound if i only could remember what i was thinking about when i was talking about what i was thinking...

sharing!

weirdness arises again

most of the time it is a memory cell that slips and forgets something that causes weirdness of the personal kind because without that memory cell, the uncertainty of precisely how and when and what exactly happened and whether i did it or someone else did it or...

so linkages in recent posts around my personal blog world and emails found filtered by the software (was it filtered into the junk folder by microsoft or by my virus program and why did i decide to look at the junk mail tonight for the first time in months to find a six day old email that came in on the 16th of all dates?... ooooo, weirdness :)

yeah, so alone, i make of it what i choose... and if anyone else was involved in this weirdness, he or she will have to say so...

huh? :)

yeah, something about where i left myself

or where i left off... or perhaps just a random series of connections, links to some other worldly long and winding trail (with many possible tangential diversions) that once upon a time may have thought to represent me, or so someone thought (was it me?... huh?... on the right of the real?... who is driving this bus, anyway?... or that bus, for that matter... what matter?... whatsamattayou?... firesign theatre says everything you know is wrong!... and the laughter scared some children away but the wise one said, don't be scared now...

privacy
miss you
someday
kit
what I do
why
the real?
because
deeper?
vegging
all for you (narf)
truth
history
qualities
moving farther on
if you can
sensual compromise
leave a message at the tone
or check my calendar to find me
the written gardens
the survivors
it's what i do
random titles
privacy
word

and then there was more

cuz i am not just addicted to some foods, but i am also addicted to sharing and have compromised by satisfying this sharing addiction with the illusion that writing these words is a form of sharing cuz they could be read at any time by you or another mind and then, sharing!...

so there is always more (if you find it :)

for the love of pizza

it's one of my addictions, pizza, if there was a twelve step program for pizza and chocolate, i'd be the poster child for the example of the one who needs it most, but then, at least i couldn't find myself on the biggest loser... by current real cultural standards, i'm barely overweight... still, i'm gonna set the set-weight goal down thirty ppounds for 2010 cuz current real cultural standards are sick...

holidays kill, ya know?

mmmmm madness

while that is certaintly easily and accurately read as mmmmmm, as in yummy, the more mad reading would follow the previous entry of staccato letter p's that rather might sound like a moterboat or some sort of puttering stuttering shock-value title and enphasizes the word following the staccato letter, kind of like m-m-m-m-m, no, actually, even more like m.m.m.m.m., hmmmm, to be most even more precise, muh muh muh muh muh madness!...

yes, that's more like it...

in other words, after a bit of sleep, back out to the fucking holiday season for more sugar and caffeine and death-march cuz there's cake and sugary drinks and killer food everywhere and i seem to be socializing more than ever this year with an almost complete lack of any good sense or reservation about indulging as much as humanly possible and i am not even wondering if it is because i am feeling sorry for myself or hoping someone sees through the human sickness of sloth and whatever decadent hedonism this is (literally) to actively care and 'save me' or some such crap cuz i don't give a flying fuck about anything beyond the momentary gratification of the party in my head fueled by the sugar/caffeine chemical hormonal rush...

or maybe i'm just mocking the season of joy and happiness cuz i'm lonely and nobody really cares enough to be here to hug me and hold me long through the silent night, holy my ass, aye?...

could be it's just another odd entry for the hell of the shock value, or bullsugar, even, but then, whatever, it started as an e-the-real entry and ended up here, for whatever that might be worth to you or posterity... i shall be done, eventually, and that's no bullsugar, nyuk, nyuk, narf...

ho ho ho

just keep swimming?

yes, that's the ticket, the key, the answer, the information we all need to be successful in this life... just keep swimming, or moving, in the human case... keep moving through the day and the activities and the stuff of life...

or perhaps that's just what to do when fatigue is high and there's just no more left in the tank and yet there's still more work to be done... so maybe the phrase should be just keep working... oh, but that's a sad reflection of real life and what is ever so wrong with our culture, the workers oppressed and kept ignorant and struglling and therein, easily controlled and manipulated by the few in government and industry who reap the bulk of the benefits from human culture, just keep working, yes, a sad reflection of normal life for the vast majority... silent majority, sure, for who has time or energy left to speak out or even learn what to speak out about after work work working day after day after day...

while the few at the tip of the food chain just keep living, enjoying, benefiting, and yes, living... the rest just keep dying, and that's life...

she knew

so I get home, alone again naturally, and as if it is news, realize how different I am from people… maybe from everybody… it’s the diversity, plain and simple, the diversity going on in my brain that sets me apart (and leaves me alone again, naturally)… so I wake and head in for a long day of work as a director in a hospital, deciding whether I feel like working or whether I just want to wander around observing others, maybe helping, maybe just observing… some days I crunch numbers, some days I build spreadsheets or databases, some days I investigate incidents, some days I train staff, some days I talk to the kids, some days I participate in meetings and some days I run them, some days I entertain government regulators, investigators, surveyors, auditors, police, and all sorts of inspectors… some days I do other things, always important, vital functions that keep the hospital running… and then, I head out of work, changing into softball gear before leaving, and join kids who’ve spent half the time alive in their bodies as I’ve spent in mine (ok, not all, but I am the oldest on every team I am on, usually by a decade or more) playing softball as their pitcher (and the two teams I pitch full time for won championships this year)… and then, I hang out in a wing house with the jock kids from softball and the scantily clad waitresses who wave and come over to talk a few minutes cuz I’m just that sort of irresistible sort… and then, I head to a midnight first showing of avatar at the universal studios i-max cuz the sci-fi geeks I know got free passes and one came my way cuz I enjoy sci-fi as much as softball as much as scantily clad girls as much as jocks (well, some jocks) as well as the corporate games that run the world (sometimes I just tolerate them knowing somebody’s got to do it) as much as coming home alone to turn on the twilight zone on tv while a home-made pizza cooks in the oven and wait, did I wake up 21 hours ago?... surely goodness and madness will follow me wherever I hang out, cuz I love so many things, diversity, that’s it, diversity in my brain, interests, and all, it’s diversity, or simply, there are billions of brain cells, you see, and I intend to use every single one…

anybody wanna try it with me?...

one hundredth entry

yes, the next entry was the one hundredth entry in this newish blog named for the season of the psyche unknown to stuffy folk who lose touch with their realness and treasured by the honest among us with the sense of humor that appreciates duality and realness, but then this entry slipped in here in this out-of-time way (not as in not enough time, but in the sci-fi out of the normal chronological concept of time way, to be more accurately clarified) and usurped the next entry, which probably should have been a cult classic, so this right here and now, or whenever, is the one hundrendth entry...

yeah, for whatever that's worth...

this promise was not

bullsugar

though all else might be, or perhaps you've been lucky to find some connections that are not... this is my hope, for your happiness, for your peace, for your joy... for my heart is true, especially to you...

happy birthday amy

fast alseep

at the moment,

so later,

i returned to write this...

serious or not

to be, that is the question, nobler arrows have never been fired from the musketeers of little girl or, in other words, the gates of fruited plains could never be more full of virtue than if presented hanging from the loins of sailor chipmonks on leave from the stable of life...

and if, in one hundred entries, this was never noticed, the power and/or meaning would not be diminished an iota (no relation to yoda), nor would the references be any less real for it is (or will be, if you ever get here) all in your mind, as real or not as you choose to make it...

belief decides everything...

death

fear of death has long plagued the human psyche, diminishing potential of even the most powerful human minds and along with other fears, may be the root cause for all that ails the human from war to disease to depression to divorce to whatever ails you... excuse me if i laugh at the serious morbidity of the human perspective, but it is how i see it when i am not sad for the limits people place on their own minds, imagination, perception, and understanding... anything is possible, so it is possible that all human fears are valid and all the worst nightmares told by boogiemen and religions and scientists and soothsayers may come true someday and i say, so what... why let any of it interfere with the experience of this moment in it's full potential?... no reason that makes sense to me not to, so i hope you do... if you don't want to (or believe you can't) overcome your fears and want to further the discussion of death and possible futures, here's biocentrism, which looks a lot like egocentrism to me, but then, i am not considered one of the leading scientists in the world... narf...

the flow continues

at this rate no one will ever have the time to actually catch up with me, literally, no less physically, cuz there are just too many words and that's the way i had it planned all along i guess... either the one who would dedicate her life to me would find me and do it, or i'd live and die alone in a crowd, surrounded by friends who genuinely care and share much, but alone inside and at the depths of intimacy only the one so dedicated could share... for it takes time and energy that allows for little else and such committment is rare, if it exists in this modern world... still, i hope it does, if not for me, then for her, for someone, and for you...

sigh :}

pop culture

yeah, there's a lot of pop culture permeating, saturating, even drowning us these days and far be it for me to sell my opinion short, though i am not trying to commericalize on your perverse confusions, insecurities, and fears like most pop culture maggots are doing these days... ummm, yeah, so anyway, there are those who say the twilight stories have replaced harry potter and there are those who say they have very different audiences (kind of like the buffy audience was not necessarily the same as the x-files or dr. who or smallville or audiences, but those are other debates for other times like comparing the star wars fans with the e.t. fans or even the douglas adams fans, but anyway), is it time for another story to move in on the audiences of both or all?... if only the human race would stop the hypocrisy and just admit that the pretense of innocence and the tittilation of teenage sex is what sells just about everything, we might evolve into a more enlightened (and peaceful) species that might have a chance at survival...

but anyway...

the seven rays already has a soundtrack (i am listening at the moment, it's pretty thin and poppy, so it'll need a good story with better acting to beef up the power of the songs, but then, it's not a musical, after all) and the film doesn't even have a cast yet... they will probably get a couple of innocently alluring sexy teens to play the leads and fuel fantasies and make millions...

but npot to be undone, or outdone (undone, maybe), i will plug (and highly recommend, based on musical talent potential), jenn em if she can get the right breaks and publicity... she could be the next big thing, at least until the next pop culture wave comes along...

wandering the web

yeah, so like i love everything and this is where i wandered today, in no particular order, sort of, without commentary or extrapolation, or babble even...

a whole lot about craig ferguson of late late show tv fame and then wandered along a path that went nothing like this, but sort of randomly stopped by the rest of these websites and listened to music when att would allow while wandering on to other websites, most of which are listed here:

metric lucy woodward sofi bonde deluka krista mycale libby lavella meridith meyer jenn em jenn em again more jenn em butterfly boucher urban buddha mandi perkins mars volta melissa rodgers chopin's friend selena gomez taylor swift kate earl 1040 action phoebe just jared britney switchblad scarlett fiona apple death cab for cutie anamanaguchi hilary duff sarah mclachlan john frusciante jessy mccartney destrophy goes cube zoe on the nervous breakdown zoe off myspace (where i paused to comment) deb calla deepak chopra howie mandel miss cupcake the seven rays the ellen show craig again rattlesnake mug wavey crocodile

remember this

I keep forgetting the use a word processing program or even notepad to type the entries so I have a copy of the entries on my computer before sending them out here into cyberspace and there are millions of words poured out here over the years in that precarious position of existence, that is, in the blink of an electronic nanosecond the words and all the thoughts, feelings, and whatever worth there is in them would be gone, poof, as if they never existed beyond the vague memory some few of you might have of them… scary fragile, this sharing of words on the internet…

scary fragile, it turns out, is a song by butterfly boucher who I am falling in love with in the last seventeen or hundred seconds or so, maybe ten minutes (you oughta know it doesn’t take long for me to fall in love with a photo or song or singer or whatever cuz I am easy like that… of course it may not last the day, but what a day it could be, aye?)… another aussie, which most likely means austrailia is second only to the us for providing love fantasies for my heart cuz there have been more than a few aussie heart bandits (even if i am not into make-up ya know)… though canada still ranks a close second… and per capita, they probably are first, though maybe canada, but I never actually had a physical love relationship with an aussie (we won’t get into my affairs with canadians at the moment, aye?) so if you are from australia and would like to see if your reality lives up to my fantasy, feel free to apply within…

oh so romantic, right?...

so anyway, this entry is intended to attempt to remind me to type into notepad or better yet, ms word (cuz then it’ll spellcheck for me, not that I pay attention to the spellchecker or rulebooks much cuz I am a stubborn rebel and who loves me some typos, dontcha know) so perhaps posterity and anyone who cares might find, read, and find a moment of worth in these words sometime in the future (which is your now, if you are reading these words, isn’t that time thing exciting?) and then I’d go down in history as having existed even after this body dissolves back into the primordial ooze…

so feel free to remind me often… even if you’re not australian :)

what i meant was...

to share a bit of the fondness and revelry we here at bullsugar feel for the irreverent absurdity (and flagrant flaunting of disregard for rules cuz people need a good shock out their socks now and then, regularly, even) of craig ferguson who is not only am american on purpose, but he is american on purpose on twitter, sort of... actually, i think he's a bit old fashioned when it comes to the tech world, unlike howie mandel, who actually twitters (along with his son, in fact)... but craig ferguson is quite insane, intellectually comedic and cleverly insightful and what i meant to do was insert a bunch of links to craig ferguson rather subtly in the previous entry with all the flair of oo-la-la if you know what i mean... you know, the way craig might do...

it didn't work though cuz i forgot... so i went looking for some websites and i found the seven rays and the ellen show and lots of others that lead me wandering through myspace and facebook and twitter and who knows where and i found craig's book on twitter along with wavey crocodile and even his rattlesnake mug which lead me to believe i might not be the only one who found him amusing...

so that's it, what i meant was craig is full of bullsugar :)

ooo la la

yes, those are the immortal words of craig ferguson (I wonder if he twitters)...

and in the strangeness of being me in my imagination (as some people tend to do with so many wants and needs and feelings and things like love and imaginary friends and such, i find myself actually missing craig on the nights he is not on the tv as if he is a friend who really gets me as if he could possibly know and understand me as if we've ever even met and communicated (perhaps i should send him an email, snarf)...

but the true test of friendship comes when the limits of the perverse (what?) are found and the closer the limits of two might be, the closer the two minds (and hearts and the rest) can become... as harry said...

and so i dream a base will join me
and fill the bottom in...

goo

aimless wandering

that's the direction my mind is heading and there's no time to enjoy it, so i'll just go through the day faking the maturity and responsibility and focus and all that grown up stuff while i let my mind daydream out the window of life...

wanna climb a tree with me? :)

pixilated

or perhaps pixillated, but spelling is only one of the mind bending alterations that the pilixated can bring to the table of life... and it's long nigh on time (whatever that means) that we just up and faced the fact that i am quite pixilated...

now if i can only find a pixilated partner, life would be pixiperfect :)

glee

yes, who could share such a simple dream, from blissfully feeling the wonderful colors and radiance of the sun rise and sun set to the sensual pleasure of finding a favorite snack in the house and munching away at four o'clock in the morning... who still experiences the instant excitement that comes when a bit of sweet attention sparks the same powerful emotion as the feeling that children get once a year opening presents under the tree... can anyone, grown past the simple innocent years of youth, grown through the challenging years of establishing independence, through the monotonous years of working the daily grind to survive, to earn wealth and material things, can anyone, then, still embrace the full physical euphoria of glee?... to share a dream, to actualize the dream, to make the dream real... a simple dream, to share the glee...

remember the alamo

excuse me texans and anyone else who arrived by searching for the words in the title, this entry only resembles or relates to the title if you spend a lifetime building trust as only pre-school friends can (and the alamo might have been renamed the library if you know what i mean (no time to explain, you'll just have to come a little but closer to find out...

when i lived in san antonio for a few months there was this place called the warehouse we used to frequent that pressed the pregnant pause button every time we walked in... whether it was reverence, repulsion, or some other rapport, we were noticed and that was fun...

still. remember what you will...

shoulda, coulda, woulda

but didn't...

omg

nevermore