loneliness

feeling it more and more lately, especially after social experiences, which makes sense as the social experiences lack the depth and intimacy that satisfies the hunger that breeds loneliness while waking up that same hunger… i’ve always been lucky (or wise) enough to know how to party with myself, that is, to enjoy life alone… after all, the reality of the physical experience is that we exist in separate physical bodies, at least as far as our perception allows us to understand the experience at the moment, so the best we can do is accept the isolation of being in separate bodies and learn to enjoy the experience within, alone… that doesn’t mean that sharing isn’t wonderful fun and rewarding in many worthwhile ways, we just should not fool ourselves into believing we cannot live without someone else because we do, live in separate bodies… so the sharing we call love, or falling in love that creates a need for someone else, is an illusion… an illusion that feels magical as it inspires emotions that amaze and frighten and work on our emotions like a roller coaster works on our physical senses… and that emotion is the real, physical experience that sharing brings and the hunger for that real physical experience is loneliness… based on the illusion that we need someone else, it becomes such a real hunger that it can become a physical addiction… i’ve experienced that, but the loneliness i feel now is a deeper sighing wanting, more eternal and infinite than momentary imperative… the hunger is wanting more than the momentary compromise of superficial sharing… even more than what billy joel sings about in honesty, though there is an excellent expression of the first step, a prerequisite… get it?... anybody?... ah, but that’s the rub, or there’s the rub, to be more classically inclined… not just anybody can satisfy the hunger in me, in fact, no one has ever truly satisfied it and i am less willing to compromise with each passing year…

all that to say i am feeling lonely lately… and that’s no bullsugar, aye?... or is it?... sigh…

bullsugar! :)

deadlines

i don't like deadlines, in fact, my subconscious (minds) rebels against deadlines so well that when i am presented with a deadline, the first thought process appears to be (not that i consciously think it, ya see) how bad will it be if i miss the deadline and i suppose that prioritizing deadlines is sensible, so i could rationalize it professionally and all, but i laugh at that even as i'll sell it well when it matters (like to keep a job or to put a smile on a friend's face, for instance... remember belated birthdays?) so anyway, when i come here to leave a few words to record bits and pieces of this life i experience for myself and anyone who cares, i smile happilly (sometimes gleefully) at the written words (for the love of words) and smile altruistically (sometimes euphorically) at the caring that keeps me coming back to record this life and smile wishfully (almost always blissfully peacefully) at the hope that keeps me sharing the words publically and i smile knowingly (sometimes wistfully) at the loneliness that wants someone to share the life i experience in words and in the physical space and time as i sit here hoping for a comment of some sort like the moment after i leave a few words here like "cool" or "yay" or "wow, wish i had your life" (ok, so the last one is ridiculous ego crap, but it's worth a try... or a laugh... i mean, i could have let libido slip one in like "oh, i love how you turn me on can i come over and jump your bones right now please?" but that would be cheesy, maybe even sappy {or chocolate icing and whipped cream if you are into food with your sex}, so i didn't), but even though i wish someone cared enough to be waiting for words and share back immediately, there is no deadline for a few caring words to be left here and was that a hint? and if you are not laughing, you were never really here :)

bullsugar! :)